★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2024 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[Mak]

Review for Story: किस्सा एक अनहोनी का (Horror story)

By - Shetan

Two genres that are most difficult to write are Horror and Comedy. You have attempted to write Horror, kudos for that. The story was good but don't know why it seems you have written in some hurry. You have the talent to write there's no doubt, the local Brijbhasha in the story added a Midas touch.

Any horror story needs a few surprise elements. In your story, the only part where Daai Maa interfered in the wedding was the surprise element. Maybe you could have presented the background of खिल्लो differently and added a few things there. One more demerit point is spelling mistakes, if you are taking part in a competition try to avoid those.

The good thing about the story is that it's a decent read. You will feel to stick to the story till the end. The presentation could have been better, but a pretty good attempt. Looking forward to your next entry.

 

[Logan(Wolverine)]

Ek Adhuri Pyass/ Pyar..

Spoiler

Namaste dosto main ruhi Chauhan 23 saal ki bala ki khubsurat ladki.. kehte hai na pyar kisi se bhi , kabhi bhi , kisi bhi Umar , aur kisi bhi Roop me ho sakta hai..lekin apne ye suna hai.. kisiko dekhe bina sirf uski harkaton see pyar hua ho..lekin us pyar ki suruwat pyas se hui ho.. wohi mere sath hua.. aur ushi pyas se mere andar ek Pyar jaga.. lekin Mera pyar/pyas dono Adhuri reh gayi.. aur ye sab apko main apni apbiti me bataungi..

Ruhani Ahmad colour se thodi sawli. Lekin chera thik thak. Hum corresponding course meet ke dauran mili.. aur 6 mahino me hi acchi dosti ho gayi.. best friends toh nahi .. lekin dosti thi..ab aise hi ek din mujhe ruhani ka phone Aya.. aur usne mujhe uske nikah me bulaya.. ab nikah uske gaanv me tha.. aur shahar se ruhani ke gaanv sirf bus see ja sakte the.. kyuki gaanv thoda pichda tha.. aur waha adhiktar mu...m hi rehte the.. ek dikkat aur thi.. ki bus do din me ek bar hi jati aur ati.. iska Matlab mujhe Kam see Kam do din toh gaanv me rukna hi padega.. toh Maine Socha Kyu na nikah ke ek din pehle hi Chala Jaye . Toh main nikal padi bus stand ki taraf.. toh bus kuch duphar 4 pe aiye.. toh main bus me Chad gayi.. ab bus me bhed bohot thi.seat koi Khali nahi thi.. aur upar see Mera saman. main ek suitcase Jo layi thi..usi me mere nikah pe pehenne wale kapde the..toh ab mujhe khade khade hi safar katna tha .ab 1 ganta toh nikal gaya Matlab adha Rasta toh Aram see pura ho gaya. Aur sham ke 5 ho rahe the.. aur thand ka mausam tha.. toh andhera bhi ho Chala tha.. aur bus thodi old fashion thi.. Matlab light nahi thi.. toh ab bus me bhi andhera hone laga tha.. toh ab mujhe Meri ass pe kuch chubta feel hua..aur safar ki Baja see Maine light kapde hi pahane the.. niche long skirt aur upar tight top.. ab top tight tha.. toh bra pahan nahi sakti thi . Isliye Maine bra cups pahan rakhe the..ab karib 2-3 bar mujhe wo nukili chiz Meri ass pe chubi.. lekin bhed ki wajah se Maine react nahi Kiya.. sayad galti see bag waghra lag Raha hoga.. aur ye Meri sabse badi galti sabit Hui.. kyuki ab usne wo nukili chiz sidhe Meri ass me ghusa di.. aur skirt ke upar see hi mere gand ke ched pe touch hui aur mere muh see halki ahhaaa nikal gayi..aur ab main samaj gayi wo koi chiz nahi.. kisi admi ka Lund hai..aur main kuch kar pati usse pehle hi us anjan admi ke hath mere agge ayie aur us anjan admi ne uske hath mere boobs pe rakh diye.. aur sath me usne dhire dhire jhatke Dena bhi suru kar diye.. wo to sukra tha.. ki bus me andhera tha.. nahi toh Meri izzat ka Kya hota..kher wo anjan admi uske dono hathon see top ke upar se he mere dono boobs daba Raha tha.. aur pichese Meri skirt ke upar see he Meri Gand ke ched pe Lund ragad Raha tha.. ab aise hi 6 baj Gaye. Aur wo insan na hi khud jhada aur na hi mujhe jhadne Diya.. kyuki jab bhi main jhadne ko hoti.. toh wo jhatke marna band kar deta aur mere boobs bhi chod deta.. jisse main Adhuri reh jati.. aur phir Kariban 5 min. Rukne ke baad wo fir chalu ho jata.. aur aise hi usne ghanta bhar Kiya.. aur ab 6 baj Gaye the . Lekin abhi bhi ek ghanta tha.. aur ab bus me bhi pura andhera ho gaya tha.. Matlab sirf agal bagal ka hi dikh sakta tha.. lekin dur ka nahi.. aur ab bus ne ek sharp mod liye.. jisse hum sab apni apni jagah see thode khisak Gaye.. lekin main girne ko Hui.. toh usne mujhe tight pakadliya.. aur mujhe girne see bacha liya.. aur mere agge Wala admi ekdum see piche hua.. toh us admi ne usse age dhakel Diya.. auk uski kadak awaj me bola..

admi - oye sidha khada reh.. dekh nahi Raha piche ladki khadi hai..

Ab uski itni bhari awake sunke.. agal bagal ke sab hamari taraf hi dekhne lage.. aur wo admi ab mere see thoda dur hat gaya.. aur uske hath bhi hata liye..aur jab bus sidhi chalne lagi.. aur sab normal ho Gaye.. toh wo admi phir mujhse chipak gaya.. aur uski harkaten phir chalu ho gayi.. ab bus ek akhri stop pe ruki . Aur wo admi mujhse dur hat ke thoda piche khada ho gaya.. ab us stop se do sawari chadi.. aur ab agge koi stop nahi tha.. sirf gaanv hi last stop tha.. ab bus phir see chal padi.. ab main intezar karne lagi.. lekin wo admi wahi kadha Raha.. lekin ab mujhse bardast nahi Hua..kyuki kuwari thi.. aur pehli baar mujhe aisa nasha chada tha.. pehli baar Meri chut gili Hui thi.. aur iski gavahi Meri panty de rahi thi.. Jo Meri chut ke Pani ki wajah se chut pe chipki Hui thi.. aur ab main sirf jhadna chati thi..

ab main khud do kadam piche Hui.. aur khud apni ass ko uske age ragadne lagi.. aur jaise jaise ragadti rahi.. waise waise uska Lund hard hota gaya.. jiska Matlab uska Lund Bahar hi tha.. ab Maine khud uske dono hath mere dono boobs pe rakh diye.. lekin wo sirf hath rakhe Raha.. koi harkat nahi ki..

Ab Maine apni kamar hilana band kar di.. aur sirf intezar karne lagi..lekin phir us admi ne kuch nahi Kiya.. bus Lund ko Gand pe se nahi hataya.. aur boobs bhi nahi dabaye.. lekin hath bhi nahi hataye..aur ab mere andar pyas bhadak uthi thi.. toh ab kuch 10 min. Baad.. Maine phir khud Gand ko Lund pe ghisna chalu kar Diya..lekin mujhe itna Anand nahi AA Raha tha.. jitna us admi ke ragadne see a Raha tha .. aur ab mujhse bardast nahi hua. Kyuki ab main sirf aur sirf jhadna chati thi.. main sab bhul gayi thi.. ki main kaha hun. Aur kiske sath Kya kar rahi hun..

Main - please..

mere itna bolte hi. Us admi ne phir jhatke marna suru kar diye.. aur boobs maslane bhi suru kar diye.. lekin ab wo bohot roughly mere dono boobs ko masal Raha tha.. jisse mujhe dard ho raha tha.. lekin main cha ke bhi rook nahi pa rahi thi . Kyuki us dard me bhi ek alag hi nasha AA Raha tha.. main sirf apne muh pe hath rakhke chikon ko rokti rahi.. kyuki ab mujhe bohot maja AA rahe tha.. main ek alag hi Anand me thi.. aur jaise hi main jhadne pe hui.. us admi ne phir wahi Kiya.. aur main phir adhuri reh gayi.. ab kuch waqt baad us admi ne jhatke marna phir suru kiye.. aur mere boobs masalna bhi . Aur jaise hi main jhadne ko hoti wo dur hat jata.. ab usne pure bache hue raste aisa hi Kiya..mere andar aag bhadkata.. aur jaise hi aag nikalne wali hoti wo dur hat jata.. uska jaise maan karta waise mere boobs masalta.. uska jaise maan karta Meri Gand ke ched pe Lund ragadta aur jaise hi main jhadne ko hoti wo dur hat jata.. ab Mera jism andar see tapne laga.. kyuki mere andar ki garmi bas bhadti jaa rahi thi.. aur ek alag nasha mere andar jagne laga tha.. ab karib karib 7 bajne pe ho Gaye the.. aur Meri halat bohot kharab ho rahi thi.. mujhe thand me bhi pasina chuut Raha tha , Meri ankhon ki goliyan andar dhas chuki thi , mere muh see thook laar banke tapakne laga tha , aur mere hath pair kampne lage the.. aur jaise hi bus ne break mare waise hi mujhe Meri ass pe kuch gila gila sa laga.. aur main samaj gayi.. ki is admi ne uske Lund ka Pani Meri skirt pe nikal Diya hai.. aur ab sab ek ek karke bus see utarne lage.. aur ab Maine apni sanso ko kabu me Kiya.. aur bus me har taraf dekhne lagi.. lekin andhera hone ki waja see kuch dikha nahi.. phir main apni luggage ke sath bus see niche utri.. aur phir Maine Charo taraf najar daudai . Toh Chand ki Chandni me mujhe sirf adhed Umar ke mard hi dhike.. Jo isi nikah ke liye ayie the.. lekin mujhe ye pata nahi chal paya ki.. mere andar pyas bhadkane Wala aur mere Dil me pyar jagane Wala.. Kon hai.. haa mujhe us anjan admi see sirf uski harkaton ki wajah see pyar ho gaya tha.. ab main nikah pe pohochi.. aur do din Mera maan kahi nahi laga.. sirf us ajnabi ki yaad me tadapti rahi.. ab wapas jate samay.. Maine phir wahi top aur skirt pehne.. lekin aj raste bhar kuch nahi hua.. aur main intezar me hi shahar pohoch gayi..

aur ab is baat ko 8 saal ho Gaye hai. Meri Umar 23 se 31 ho gayi hai.. aur Meri shaadi ho gayi aur 2 bacche bhi hai.. mere husband mujhe bohot pyar karte hai.. mere bohot pyare pyare ek beta aur ek beti hai .mujhe kisi baat ki tension nahi hai. Kisi chiz ki kami nahi hai.. mujhe itna pyar karne wala pati Mila hai.. phir bhi jab mere pati mujhe raat me pyar karte hai.. toh naa Cha kar bhi mujhe wohi raat yaad ati hai . Jis raat ko main adhuri chut gayi thi.. kyuki jitna maja mujhe us raat Bina jhade Aya tha.. utna maja kabhi mere pati ki chudai se jhadne me bhi nahi Aya tha..aur main sirf ye sochti rehti . Ke sirf ragadne see itna maja Mila.. toh agar wo Meri kuwari chut me jata toh kitna maja milta.. aur sayad main jhad bhi jati . Aur agar main ushe dekh pati, ushe jaan pati . Toh aj sayad Meri jindagi kuch aur hi hoti.. kher ab aise hi din nikalte Gaye.. saal nikalte Gaye.. aur Meri Umar badti gayi.. lekin main apne pehle pyar ka na hi pata kar payi. Aur na hi bhula payi.. lekin wo ek adhuri pyas/pyar ka safar mere Dil me hamesha ke liye.. ek yaad banke reh gaya..

Jis admi ko Maine dekha nahi . Umar ka pata nahi . jat,Pat,samaj ka pata nahi . Sirf uski harkaton aur uski ek baar suni awaj see mujhe aisa ishq hua.. ki akhri sans Tak wo mere jahan see nahi nikla . kyuki jab apki pyas/pyar puri ho Jaye.. toh AP ushe bhul bhi jate ho.. lekin Jo pyas/pyar adhuri reh Jaye.. wo akhri sans Tak .apki Jahan , apki yaadon se nahi jati..kyuki us raat ke baad aisa ek din nahi nikla jab Maine us anjan admi ko yaad na Kiya ho.. lekin kehte hai na sochne bhar see aur yaad karne see kya hota hai.. Jo apke nasib me hai. Wohi milta hai.. aur us raat ki adhuri pyas/pyar akhri sas Tak mere jahan me ek yaad ki tarah bani rahi.. aur Marne ke baad mere sath hi dafn ho gayi.. lekin meri ruh see juda na ho payi..

THE END.....

Log Vaasa/hawas/attraction/sexually pleasure ko pyaar/prem ka naam de dete hai , pehli baare dekha to pyaar ho gaya
Ab murkh logo ko kaun samjhaaye

 

[Shetan]

Review for Story: किस्सा एक अनहोनी का (Horror story)

By - Shetan

Two genres that are most difficult to write are Horror and Comedy. You have attempted to write Horror, kudos for that. The story was good but don't know why it seems you have written in some hurry. You have the talent to write there's no doubt, the local Brijbhasha in the story added a Midas touch.

Any horror story needs a few surprise elements. In your story, the only part where Daai Maa interfered in the wedding was the surprise element. Maybe you could have presented the background of खिल्लो differently and added a few things there. One more demerit point is spelling mistakes, if you are taking part in a competition try to avoid those.

The good thing about the story is that it's a decent read. You will feel to stick to the story till the end. The presentation could have been better, but a pretty good attempt. Looking forward to your next entry.

बहोत बहोत शुक्रिया. मे आप से सहमत हु. दरसल मेने अपनी आने वाली अपकमिंग स्टोरी किस्से अनहोनीयों के का पहला किस्सा कांटेस्ट मे डाला. सायद मेरी दूसरी कांटेस्ट स्टोरी आप का दिल जीत सके. महत्व पूर्ण रिव्यू के लिए बहोत बहोत धन्यवाद.

 

[Milfloverravii]

Log Vaasa/hawas/attraction/sexually pleasure ko pyaar/prem ka naam de dete hai , pehli baare dekha to pyaar ho gaya
Ab murkh logo ko kaun samjhaaye

Apki Gand me itni Mirchi ho rahi hai.. toh kripya karke Meri story na pade..

 

[Euphoria]

Story: Love.exe
Writer: Euphoria

Story Line: thechnophile or the one who is in love with technology. Unique concept, but nothing unique in this ever changing world.

Execution: Good, but can have been more better, as you were still having lots of word limit to express it, a love story without elaborated love scene is not that convincing as other's may be. So it could have been more elaborated and expressive to have a connect.

Positive Point: story line and cristal clear words, makes it more readable.

Negative Point: as I said story line is really unique, but treatment of it leaves us disappointed as lacks the touch that a romantic story should have.

Rating: 6/10

Thank you for this generous review sir.

 

[Euphoria]

Review for Story: Love.exe
By - Euphoria

The exe part in the Title attracted me to read your story. Honest to say, I am feeling a bit disappointed, maybe I started to read it with little more expectations. A very good attempt but I feel this story and the topic you have touched through it has a lot of scope. This was a plain and simple story of love between AI and human. I will say I tried to feel the connection of their love but couldn't. You have tried to create some intimacy to show their moments of their love through tours of India. But it didn't leave such a mark, on the reader's heart or mind.

If I talk about the plot of the story, Yeah, it was something different and new to write. But, It is a quite challenging task to add a romantic angle with such plot. Kudos for your efforts. I still believe you could have added a few twists and turns and made it more appealing to the reader. Right now it is just too plain and simple.

Anyway, good luck for the contest. Looking forward to reading your 2nd story if you post.

Thank you for your generous review sir. Its my first attempt to write such story. The points you mentioned are noted.

 

[Mak]

Review for Story: SAHAJIVIKA

By - hemya

A feel-good story where the reader always feels connected with the characters. I would say it's a sweet and simple story that revolves around the main characters only. You have portrayed them beautifully but I feel this story needed some good Hindi language. The plot of this story is just so beautiful that you can carve the magic of proper Hindi vocabulary while writing. (I can provide a few examples if you like.)

This simple yet elegant plot of the story had so much potential, that you could have molded the story in so many different ways. One more thing I could point out is that the chemistry of their love could have been presented in a better way. That's why I said some proper Hindi language was needed for the story. TBH, I am feeling jealous of you Why didn't such a simple and beautiful plot come to my mind?

Anyway, I am glad to read such a beautiful story. Lemme be honest with you, You have huge potential. It is evident in your writing. Looking forward to reading the next one from you. Good Luck for the contest.

 

[spritemathews]

Wow amazing glamorous...

 

[Riky007]

Story: सहेली ने मुझे रंडी बनाया
Writer: simapatel

Story Line: एडल्टरी पर आधारित ये कहानी एक ऐसी औरत की है जो सेक्सुअली असंतुष्ट है, क्योंकि उसका पति कहीं बाहर रहता है। प्लॉट बहुत ही कॉमन है इस फोरम के लिए, इसलिए वैसे तो कुछ खास करने को है नही इस टॉपिक पर, सिवाय आप थोड़ा लम्बा खींच कर इंट्रस्टिंग और सेक्स सीन को उत्तेजक बनाए।

Positive Point: कहानी बहुत ही गतिमान है और अपनी गति से पाठक को बांधे रहती है।

Negative Point: ऐसी कहानियों की जान उनका सेक्स सीन ही होता है, जहां पर लेखिका से चूक हुई लगता है। इसे थोड़ा और कामुक बना कर कहानी को और जानदार बनाया जा सकता था, लेकिन कहानी इसी में मात खा गई।

Suggestion: इरोटिका लिखने का मूल मंत्र उसके सेक्स सीन को ही कामुक बनाना होता है, बड़ा लंड नही बल्कि फोरप्ले, और उसका वर्णन ज्यादा मायने रखता है। ये सजेशन मेरा सभी इरोटिक राइटर से है कि पुरुष अंग का ज्यादा वर्णन न करके अगर जो फोरप्ले और इंटरकोर्स को ज्यादा उत्तेजित तरीके से लिखेंगे तो ऐसी विधा में ज्यादा कामयाब हो सकते हैं।

Rating: 5/10

 

[cheekku]

story , Ek Adhuri Pyass/ Pyar..
writer , milf lover ravi ,

ye to shuro hotay hee khatam hogayi