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★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2025 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

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Lucifer

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Unfortunately We are facing a server issue which limits most users from posting long posts which is very necessary for USC entries as all of them are above 5-7K words ,we are fixing this issue as I post this but it'll take few days so keeping this in mind the last date of entry thread is increased once again,Entry thread will be closed on 7th May 11:59 PM. And you can still post reviews for best reader's award till 13th May 11:59 PM. Sorry for the inconvenience caused.

You can PM your story to any mod and they'll post it for you.

Note to writers :- Don't try to post long updates instead post it in 2 Or more posts. Thanks. Regards :- Luci
 
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Shetan

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अरे मेरे भाई, अरे मेरे भाई!!!! 🙏🙏🙏

क्या अद्भुत लिखा है - आदिकाल और वर्तमान को समानांतर पर ला कर खड़ा कर दिया अपने।

कहानी चाहे कितनी भी पुरानी क्यों न हो, मनुष्य के जीवन में सब प्रासंगिक है। इसीलिए रामकथा को जन चेतना का प्रतिबिंब माना जाता है।
किन्तु कोई लड़ाई निर्णायक नहीं होती - रावण जीवित रहता है इस आस में कि वह कभी तो राम से प्रतिशोध लेगा, और राम का प्रयास यह रहता है कि कैसे रावण सशक्त न बन पाए। न कोई हारता है और न ही कोई जीतता है।

किन्तु सीता! 🙏

शुचिता का मानक अगर दैहिक शोषण पर आधारित है, फ़िर कुछ कहना ही अनावश्यक है। लेकिन आपने बहुत कुछ कह दिया है भाई।

विचारों को झकझोर देने वाली इस कहानी के प्रस्तुतिकरण के लिए साधुवाद! वखरिया भाई, ग़ज़ब की लेखनी है और बढ़िया सोच है आपकी।

और भी लिखिए। 😊👌👏
इस कहानी और इस प्रतियोगिता के लिए शुभकामनाएं। आशा करता हूं कि आप जीतें।
हाई avsji मेरी 2nd स्टोरी परिंदे भी ट्राय करो.
 

Shetan

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Shandar

Superb

Zindabad..........

Siya ne to har yug me pariksha di he..................chahe satyug ho ya fir kalyug..............

Lekin na Ram badle na Ravan............
हाई ajju. आप मेरी स्टोरी को क्यों रिव्यू नहीं दे रहे.
 
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Writer - manikmittalme07
Genre - sexual comedy

Story summary -

Story Chuski Chameli aur Munni Mastani naam ki do sexually bold aur independent ladkiyon se shuru hoti hai, jo Mumbai mein rehti hain. Inka attitude, language aur lifestyle extremely uninhibited hai. Story unki tharak bhari masti, relationships, aur ek accidental kidnapping aur human trafficking se encounter tak ka safar dikhati hai. Beech mein Chuski aur Munni ka pyaar do naye characters Panku aur Chanku se develop hota hai, jo unhe bachate hain. Ant mein romance, rescue aur shadi ke saath story khatam hoti hai.


Positive points

* Characters: Over-the-top aur entertaining, especially Chuski, Munni, Panku, Chanku.

* Visual Storytelling: Scenes ka description kaafi vivid hai — reader ko poora visual feel milta hai.

* Unpredictable Plot: Story mein twists hain — kabhi sudden breakup, kabhi kidnapping, kabhi rescue — jo reader ka interest banaye rakhte hain.

* Dialogues ka Raw Charm: Characters ke dialogues kaafi natural lagte hain (chahe vulgar ho), unka tone consistent hai.


Negative Points

* Grammatical Issues: Kahin kahin sentence structure aur grammar weak hai, jo readability ko affect karta hai.

* Storyline ka Overcrowding: Bahut saare characters aur random incidents ek hi story mein daal diye gaye hain, jo plot ko messy bana dete hain.


Short review
"Bak-bakchodi" ek adult comedy story hai jo bold language, vulgar humor aur exaggerated situations se bhari hui hai. Kahani mein thoda thrill aur romance bhi hai, lekin main focus sexual comedy par hai..

Overall its a good story
Rating 6/10
Thank you so mucu for a nuteral review bro. Darasal ye story kam bakchodi jyada hai so iske liye dher sare character hona lajmi hai bhai. Story ko sochna aur likhna sirf sava ghante me hua. Mere paas time kam tha. Aapka review bahut achha laga but mujhe rating thodi si kam lagi. Par ye to aapka right hai aur haan kahin par grammatical mistake rahi hogi to jaldbaji ki wajah se rahi hogi. Sale ki shadi thi yaar
 

Mrxr

ᴇʏᴇꜱ ʀᴇᴠᴇᴀʟ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ
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Story ; लवचूबंन
Written by ; rathodka8inch
Story line ; Adultery

Story ek sonali naam ki ladki ki hai jo apni saheli ke saath uske chacha ke hain aati hai aur wanha pe ek aadmi ko dekh ke bahek ja tu hai.

Positive points

  • Story me gaon ki details acche se dikhai hai, jo real feel deti hai.
  • Story me seduction accha hai, jaise.... Bahkav, khinchao,...​

Nigative points

  • Sonali ka guilt thoda aur explorer ho sakta tha.
  • Indrajeet ke character thoda aur develop ho sakta tha.
  • Apni bhatiii Madhuri se na kahke sonali se har kaam kahna,ek ettefak ho sakta hai,lekin ye thoda unnatural aur dramatic lagta.

Mistakes

Story me mistakes na ke barabar hain, jo story ko flow deti hai.

Story kafi acchi aur safai se likhi gai hai, jo padhne pe accha feel deti hai,

Rating ; 6.5/10​
 
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vakharia

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अरे मेरे भाई, अरे मेरे भाई!!!! 🙏🙏🙏

क्या अद्भुत लिखा है - आदिकाल और वर्तमान को समानांतर पर ला कर खड़ा कर दिया अपने।

कहानी चाहे कितनी भी पुरानी क्यों न हो, मनुष्य के जीवन में सब प्रासंगिक है। इसीलिए रामकथा को जन चेतना का प्रतिबिंब माना जाता है।
किन्तु कोई लड़ाई निर्णायक नहीं होती - रावण जीवित रहता है इस आस में कि वह कभी तो राम से प्रतिशोध लेगा, और राम का प्रयास यह रहता है कि कैसे रावण सशक्त न बन पाए। न कोई हारता है और न ही कोई जीतता है।

किन्तु सीता! 🙏

शुचिता का मानक अगर दैहिक शोषण पर आधारित है, फ़िर कुछ कहना ही अनावश्यक है। लेकिन आपने बहुत कुछ कह दिया है भाई।

विचारों को झकझोर देने वाली इस कहानी के प्रस्तुतिकरण के लिए साधुवाद! वखरिया भाई, ग़ज़ब की लेखनी है और बढ़िया सोच है आपकी।

और भी लिखिए। 😊👌👏
इस कहानी और इस प्रतियोगिता के लिए शुभकामनाएं। आशा करता हूं कि आप जीतें।

आदरणीय avsji ,

आपकी यह प्रतिक्रिया किसी कथा के भीतर छिपे मौन भावों की मुखर व्याख्या है। आपने मेरी कहानी को जिस अंतर्दृष्टि और संवेदनशीलता से पढ़ा और समझा, उसके लिए मैं हृदय से आभार प्रकट करता हूँ।


"आदिकाल और वर्तमान को समानांतर ला खड़ा किया..."
आपने इस वाक्य में उस मूल भाव को पहचान लिया है, जो मेरे मन में इस कथा की रचना के समय था। रामकथा केवल धार्मिक आख्यान नहीं, बल्कि सांस्कृतिक और सामाजिक चेतना की सबसे गहरी परतों में आज भी जीवित है। इस कहानी के माध्यम से मैंने यही प्रयास किया कि "युग भले बदल जाएँ, संघर्ष वही रहते हैं, केवल उनके चेहरे और मंच बदलते हैं"

"कोई लड़ाई निर्णायक नहीं होती..."
आपके इस विचार में कालजयी दर्शन छिपा है। रावण का नाश नहीं, उसका पुनरावर्तन, यही तो मानवता का सबसे बड़ा युद्ध है। आज रणवीर मलिक हो या कोई और, हर युग में रावण अपनी नई परछाई लेकर लौटता है, और राम… अब केवल एक व्यक्ति नहीं, एक सामूहिक विवेक हैं, जो हर बार चेतना के स्वरूप में उठ खड़ा होता है।

"शुचिता का मानक अगर दैहिक शोषण पर आधारित है..."
इस एक ही वाक्य में उस वेदना और कटाक्ष को समेट दिया है, जिसे मैंने सिया के माध्यम से कहना चाहा। सीता की अग्निपरीक्षा सदियों से स्त्रियों की चेतना पर थोपे गए उस मूक शास्त्र का प्रतीक बन गई है, जिसमें सवाल पुरुष पूछते हैं, और उत्तर स्त्रियों को जलते हुए देने होते हैं। पर अब समय है कि अग्निपरीक्षा नहीं — अग्नि स्वयं सीता बने।

आप जैसे लब्ध-प्रतिष्ठित लेखक के यह शब्द, मेरे लिए किसी पुरस्कार से कहीं अधिक मूल्यवान है। क्योंकि जब एक सजग, संवेदनशील और विद्वान लेखक किसी रचना को इस स्तर पर समझता है, तो लेखक को लगता है, उसकी चुप्पियाँ भी पढ़ ली गईं।

आपकी शुभकामनाओं के लिए आभार। यह प्रतियोगिता जीतूँ या न जीतूँ, पर यदि इस कहानी ने एक भी पाठक को विचार, संवेदना और असहमति के द्वार पर खड़ा किया, तो मेरी लेखनी सार्थक हुई।

आप जैसे सहयात्री लेखक मिलें, तो साहित्य स्पर्धा नहीं, संवाद बन जाता है।

आभार और सादर नमन,
वखारिया
 

Mrxr

ᴇʏᴇꜱ ʀᴇᴠᴇᴀʟ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ
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Story ; ये कैसा पछतावा
Written by ; Lord haram
Story line ; Adultery

Story ek aarti nam ki aurat ki hai, jo college me ek ladke se pyaar karti thi, par shaadi nahi ho saki, jiske karan ladke ne aatm hatya kar li,aarti ek apne pati ki company chalati thi,company ke chapraai ke saath uske saririk sambandh bante hai, end me pata chalta hai ki wo us ladke ka baap hota hai.

Positive points

  • Pyaar aur badle ki bhavna me insaan kuch bhi kar sakta hai.

Nigative points

  • Hariya ka character thoda undeveloped aur unrealistic lagta hai.
  • Adultery jyada ho gai, jisse pachtawe ka prabhav kam ho gaya.

Mistakes

Story me words ki 2-3 mistakes hain jo sentence ko intrupt karti hai, jaise,unke....

Story safai se likhi gai hai, padhne pe flow aacha deti hai.

Rating ;6/10
 
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vakharia

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Cuckqueaning

The modern era is evolving at a faster pace.. Let say the developmental projects or the detrimental influences.. everything just turning up fast..the impact is visible in all inanimate and animate things around us..the world is experiencing the biggest societal upheaval ..

From the physical engagements to the social media interactions people are going more evil, less kind, more open, less affectionate, more stubborn, less patient, more relationships, no loyalty, more quantities, less effective, more hostile, less warmth, more talk, less care and more erotic with some strange and wired fantasia ..

it's not that what I feel..or amalgamation of the thoughts in my mind... It's the confessions .. the current relational trend people seem to be enjoying..

Pravara let out a sigh while following some real life experience sharing in the "secret_confessions group" that he joined recently.. What has happened to all the people and their promises! Most of them are cheating..! Some have been doing to fulfill their personal desires, some for professional gain and some calling it a passion. Duh... It's selling like hot cake.. it's hot trending now like a nonstop vibe.. a complete new tribe..!

Well that is Pravara working in Capgemini as a developer, married to his college sweetheart Amira which he feels a resounding victory. Why shouldn't he be..? There's enough reason behind this..

1st. Amira was senior to him, she finished her graduation 1 year earlier.
2nd. She had More marks in academia , a brilliant student throughout career..
3rd. She's 5'.10" and he's 5'.9"..

Pravara strove hard to make this happen.. he found placement earlier while Amira was busy doing some java /.net/python courses in Hyderabad.. without wasting a day he went straight away with the proposal to her parents and Amira nodded.. seems hitting the Bulls eye with 1st dart, but only he knows how many hours per day he ground to get his darling .. in his arm..

It went well.. a low key marriage celebration in suburban area near to their home.. They found luck after marriage.. Amira got placed in Microsoft and the newlywed couple shifted to Bengaluru.. what they always wished, a personal space away from worries just him and her spending quality time : took a 2bhk flat in a rental apartment , started their new chapter with utmost love and caring; to decorate their dreams .. and their not so small balcony.. because To organise space in Bangalore is an achievement if you consider and it's not, if you contradict..

Amira and Pravara had different shifts timing , when he comes to flat Amira would be busy in office works; He longs for her , yearns for her.. all newly wed couple feels so...what i feel... Cooking was a bit no no for both.. so they hired a maid to solve that part.

Amira too struggled with the same problem.. they had time but not in unison, which became tougher day by day to oversee.. it's not that their private life became worse but it's not good enough.. they had sex but the charm of life was diminishing gradually as even Saturdays/ sundays were either office party time / working day/ Sunday reset/tadying but free time.. ! they were missing the spark gingerly.. she could feel the tides shifting.. from a stimulating relationship to a lackluster inanimate life within months..

Time went by.. it's been 5 months to their marriage now .. still they're tangled with the shift timings . Missing the nudge for which they got married.. post shifts they got more occupied in social networks , online platforms rather than couple goals.. stared into the phone screen in spite of staring at each other .. the only time they felt lively when relatives came to see their home.

Wasn't that enough already... ! on top of it, there's this new problem.. Pravara's company was hit by global economic slowdown. employees suffered. he went in partial recession, 15 days on 15 days off.
Now Pravara got much alone time.. as Amira had stricter hours for office. As a new joinee she had to keep up with the competition .. she focused more on career and he tried to find ways to spend time in absence of her; but still his mind and soul longed for her.. he needed to flush out the loneliness and in dire need of social support... But how..? He ordered some deadweights online and started lifting; yet he'd left much time to spare...

Their dream of belongingness was wilting away.. Pravara never knew when he'd developed a tendency to read those secret sections.. got more inclined towards the fantasy , searched all kind of erotic material in internet by putting VPN; nothing attracted him more than the realistic caption ' secret confessions '. He joined their regular feeds, over the weekend he found some specific blogs which were dedicated to his profession. He opted those. it's related to reality, real people ,real fantasies, real kinks, real thoughts, real wishes, matched his lifestyle too ..which he found interesting!
Earlier he's much into Amira, he never even thought of other girls in college or about colleagues in office .. his loyalty was his priority.. but see ..order changes before you know . Priority changes before any one could know..Now he's reading other people's life stories .. imbibing those incidents into his own...it's giving him fuel to self pleasure; feeling energetic and erotic all the way after some gloomy 4 long months..

It's Saturday.. lazy afternoon. much like other day he found himself alone in the flat after work as his wife still working in the weekend .. Pravara threw himself on the sofa and got busy in his phone within minutes.. scrolling through the confessions he likes.... Most... The open marriage system.. where there's no boundaries at all.. spouse is free to fuck anyone , share, swap, cuckold etc.. and nobody is there to judge.. just pure entertainment, enjoyment and pleasure . He was submerged in that open marriage confession shared by a hotwife.. how her husband introduced her into this heavenly encounters and simultaneously he too enjoy watching his wife fucked by others... This revived their sexual stimulation and now they swap for days/ nights.. invite other couples having similar links, mindset to their home..She had left an open invitation to members at the end of discussion.. Pravara tried to save a copy by screenshot but this feature was not allowed as it was a private group..

Today was not that calm as it used to be..he's getting interrupted by some compressed music entering into his flat.. he tried to concentrate on the short stories on open marriage system but again he's disturbed due to the chaos inside his mind and the loud yet compressed music.

This must be coming from the opposite flat..! it's good till it was vacant, no noise... Despite the bustling city just beyond the walls, this society offered a remarkably tranquil retreat.. but not anymore ...It must be occupied now. As there were too much activities since last week.. Pravara had noticed earlier.... got off the couch and decided to tell them once.. to face the new neighbour..

A gust of loud music forcefully entered as soon as he opened the door of his dwelling.. Such loud noise.. he murmured in a low voice clenching his jaw.. he saw 4 to 5 pairs of lady sandals and a pair of gents shoes outside the cacophony making flat door... opposite to his, near to the lift bend.

Pravara went ahead and rang the bell twice.. after 20 sec.. he again pressed his finger hard into the calling bell switch...... the ring probably faded into the music... Soon after 2 minutes a young lady opend the door , wearing a torquiose blue bodycon dress, a choker necklace , slender legs, sexy oval face.. beachy waves to her hair in particular and in a sweet yet pitchy voice... May I help you..?

Though Pravara have seen many beautiful girls around.. she's something else... This happens to everyone... You meet thousands but you get flabbergasted at one face, one figure.. Pravara just watched , dumbstruck..! until she waved her hand in front of his face... Hello... ! You need something..?

Pravara came to sense.. you guys moved here..? his irritation went into vain, acted like he's clutching his ear said... Kindly lower the volume.. I live here.. just finished my shift and I'm trynna sleep...

In reaction The Girl made an unknown face... Indicated her friend to lower the music and said .Oh . .. I didn't notice, I just got posted and rented.. so today it's my treat to friends..

Hey Nimi come here.. one of her friend , tried to drag her free hand as in other hand she's holding a large can of beer.. probably Budweiser..

Ok I'll try to limit.. just bear a little.. it's my day.. said in a hurry and closed the door on his face..

Pravara stood there for few moments.. fisting his hand again and again ..what I just saw.!.. She got proper amount of fat at proper places.. what's her name again..! Oh.. I'm such an idiot..!

fuck I'm married....! He came back slamming the door behind and went straight to bedroom , closed the door of the bedroom too .. to limit the sound coming to his room.. sat on the oversized mattress, reached for the copper water bottle on the nightstand, just to quench his temporary thirst. then laid himself on the bed exhausted from the day's emptiness.. picked his cell again ... opened the sm group and started scrolling..

Before coming to Bengaluru Pravara was unaware about extra marital affairs... All these modern erotic warfare.. Now in all confessions he's finding EMA, PMS, swapping, cuckolding, cheating etc.. Pravara was graduate but bangalore graduated him about all these. He gradually found pleasure with these contents... The taboos..! That helps to get his weapon activated..

While scrolling down he read something about OFA shared by a tech. girl... It was new to him... He researched and grinned like he hit a jackpot...
Fuck.. Young girls are showing openly.. He dived deep... Saw some teaser that were free, his curiosity increased and blood rushed to his penis... As he stopped at one faceless girl with hourglass figure...attracted him the most..she was wearing a mask.. but her figure was one in a million.. Pravara came to know if he wants more he has to open an account and have to take subscription.. He thought for a minute and his lust won..

He slid the side cupboard beside the bed and pulled his credit card out of wallet .. checked his no. Into the Only Fans Account ... Signed up with premium and now he has access to explore .... That mask girl had set PPV system to her contents... Pravara paid some and saw videos ,pics.. that hourglass figure was enough for him to became a fan.... oh my god..... This is heaven... Worth every penny..Within moments Pravara became obsessed with that mask girl.. used OF features and tried to dm her.. but sadly it doesn't had 1to1 chat options... He found that he may request her when she's streaming live... He waited and waited.... and slept..

Next day on Sunday Amira had some work with clients abroad .. she had to leave for office early in the morning to match the global time .. Pravara made breakfast for his wife, he wanted her to leave soon as he needed some privacy just in hope to access live of his favourite fan girl.. he was full of positivity that she'd come live.. as she'd set some timer running over her profile... Free money in exchange of visuals.. who wouldn't come..! Infact not only he ; many would have booked the slot..

It was 10 in the morning.. Pravara was waiting eagerly to see her live in OF.. he's right.. she came live... But no mask no face.. she must have adjusted her cam frame reach upto her neck... Wearing Just a loose see through black tops.. which was blocking the view apparently till say 60 percent.. yet he could see the erect nipples, partial cleavage... And her slow seduction movements.. just dope... ! Pravara was experiencing a new buzz .. wanted to be happier... Wanted to see more... He requested her to let go off the tops .. show some assets girl... You're killing me dear... Such messages... But she ain't that easy.. Not an open book, she'd stick to her slogan.... if you want to see.. see through the cover..!

As Days passed by.. Pravara obsessed more and more with the mask girl... Never missed any live session.. The girl too understood through the banter and flirting exchange that this guy is in dire need.. he's ready to spend more..let's reward him for his physiological, psychological and financial efforts... So one day she gave her id of private one to one video . Pravara found the leverage , he whispered a thank you to the universe...it's time to go full throttle.. that he's going to see her full, the face of his favourite character.

Amira witnessed some changes in Pravara... That he's closing his bedroom often without any reason.. no casual talk.. 2 weeks passed.. no sex in between.. this is happening for 1st time.. Amira smelt something fishy.. but she had not enough time to discuss, not enough time to enquire, not enough time to confer.

He was busy smelling his newfound fantasy.. deeply engrossed in , enjoying a new sensual idea in life, dreamy and imaginative scenario that has recently captured his libido.. the mask girl.. he wanted to know everything about the girl.. name,age, work, size, religion.. it was becoming a herculean task as she wanted to live in disguise but information ... after much talk and money negotiation the girl offered him the day, timing for cam service..

The show was decided for the weekend , some skin show the world now a days dying for .... He paid enough to see her without mask... both came live on video....for the first time they saw each other's face... Rather than proceeding, both slammed their laptops shut—astonishingly, in perfect sync..!!. Pravara was in disbelief.. so this all are happening around.. she seemed ... Different ..... God...the girl was none other than the new neighbour..!

Pravara had already melted some money away for this girl.. then this shockwave gave him meltdown.. he spent an hour in reluctance and conflict... Is she a gold digger? What kind of threats are involved, ? What if she coerce him to do something .! . will his married life be in danger... Numerous such questions.. flustered his mind...

After much thinking he thought of seizing a chance..this is once in a lifetime .. lets make lemonade out of her lemons. I'll not let my money go in vain.

In the opposite flat the situation was kinda similar; she's new to this field ,wanted to make some extra money in her prime time and this she found was the easiest; it's hardly a week and The thought that the neighbors would turn up had never crossed her mind...!

People never want to disclose their identity especially when they are doing something more unusual than normal..people would go wash toilets in other country for money but they'd pretend as officers in their own; like that.. the mask girl never wanted her neighbour to know all about her secrecy..

Over next days she didn't reply to any of the texts by Pravara..

These days pravara would go office but his heart wasn't in work anymore .. he's going crazy for her... he'd come home hurriedly and spend a lot of time loitering in the alley just to get a glimpse of her.. but alas ..! All he sees is her sandals..kept outside.Her semi-drying clothes in drying room And some more pair of sandals... Did she ghost me ? He still never lost hope; thank God, we're in the same floor.

One early morning luck struck in favour of Pravara; while coming back to flat after purchasing groceries.. the mask girl and he came face to face in the lift.. pravara was to exit the elevator and that girl had to go down..suddenly he changed his mind... . Her face was saying she didn't want to share any space with Pravara... She reluctantly stepped into the elevator.. she wore loose tee and a plazo .. no makeup... still gorgeous like the day 1 ..pravara stood near the lift control panel and she on the other side. Lift goes down.. He tried to break the ice... I think we've met before... no answer from the girl... will you atleast tell me your name...! Still no reply.. She didn't even want to make eye contact, Let alone reply..

Lift halted..She's about to exit , Pravara did something unexpected out of his character.. pressed the lift door close button ... Her face went pale.... Hey girl I'm harmless... And you're too gorgeous .. we're not leaving this elevator unless you break your silence and he pressed the top floor button..

That girl was observing all his activities silently . she felt she had to open her lips before it gets worse..

Elevator goes up..Pravara asked again .. name.. please..!

It's Naima she uttered...

Such a beautiful name ... Hi ...I'm Pravara and extended his hand towards her.. she hesitantly shook hands.. Pravara was holding her hand for too long to call it a handshake.. Naima tried to withdraw softly but pravara's grasp was bold.
and the lift door opened at top floor..

Pravara released his hand and pushed the ground floor button.. Naima retracted herself to the lift corner..

Pravara: Naima, would you tell me where you work. ?

Naima: microsoft .

Pravara : which office... location?

Naima: Bellandur.

Pravara: what.. ! what's a coincidence..! My wife works there.. you must be in junior level.. hey any problem you can reach out.. we're just a step away..

Naima knows the lobbying strategy to get success at private sector now a days... She seemed less hesitant now.. lift door opened at ground floor..

As Pravara was again going to push the close button.. please I need to get a milk pack and cornflakes; i skipped dinner..Naima spoke,.and stepped forward ..

Pravara: well all these skipping things to stay slim and gorgeous or for the shows.. right.! My favourite show stopped before it could begin.. when should I consider to log in..? Pravara enquired.. by partially blocking the exit..

Naima replied in nervousness : this weekend probably and walked past briskly.. he kept looking till she was Outta sight with a wide grin on his face..

Pravara pressed his floor button .. yes...! Yes...! this time alone..Thanked none but his presence of mind. as if he hit some jackpot..

Everything fell into place again.. Naima started talking to him.. Pravara requested her to commence the show but she denied.. saying it was just an experiment .. I did a mistake. He didn't want to Rush her either... didn't want to lose her at all.. So they just talked on face time.. he asked all those queries that were eating him up in the past days.. Pravara found out his wife and Naima working for the same project, she at a junior level and his wife assistant manager. eurekaaa...! This is gonna be interesting.. he spoke to himself..

That day Pravara stayed awake till Amira returned from office .. Amira got amused as she got a warm welcome upon reaching and a tight hug from hubby.. after so many weeks.. Amira couldn't stop herself from asking... what happened to you..!

Pravara: nothing.. can't I love my wife..

Amira giggled..

Let me change...

She forgot all the past worries in exchange of a little care and affection.. she's always like this.. uncomplicated and devour of love. ..

Here you go girl.. the hug ended naturally .. Pravara served food on table for wifey, pulled a chair and sat till she finished her meal..He began listening intently to his wife's entire day.. Amira was still in amusement.. this sudden caring... must be some boys thing.... As she finished eating Pravara came ahead and carried his wife in his arms to the master bedroom... Amira was happy that she found her lost love.... Pravara laid her wife down slowly .. removed clothes off her, kept a pillow below her waist, got naked and placed himself between her thighs... She felt twitching in her vagina as his dick touched the outer lips..spitted on her pussy.. Before Amira could count Pravara started pounding her mercilessly... Amira's eyes rolled back in pleasure and pain... Pravara was imagining Naima under him , started to recall the lift scenes, the touch of her hand , the swaying of her ass .. all in a flashback...and increased the strokes... Squeezed her semi hung boobs forcefully.. Babes.... Slow... Down ....you .....are... Hur...t..ing.... Me...! All Amira could say.....

Pravara was in no mood to lower the pace... He lifted her torso, kept her in doggy position and started pounding from back.... Amira moaned....groaned ....

Now he stood up, lifted Amira in the air by placing her legs around his arms and started humping in the air... Pravara was restless.. Amira was yet to catch her breath...

The long half an hour fucking session came to an end when Pravara ejaculated deep into Amira's pussy... Then he slept like a baby cuddling his darling , keeping one hand over her boobs... Amira still in confusion.. what Just happened... Oh god... Help me walk straight in the morning.. people do notice and gossip about hickeys and limping in the office..


Pravara gradually grew accustomed to engaging in conversation with Naima , watching her old videos... As she didn't post any new video after that incident...at night he'd continue mauling his wife imagining her as the new Neighbour.. it became unbearable for Amira as she drains out till the end of office hours, due to hectic schedules, work overload .. she had little energy left to serve husband who is making love to her like a hungry wolf.. what's up with him.. this sudden awakening of his inner animal... May be this half month work and half a month leisure... Do nothing just.. eat, sleep and fuck...!

One night Amira requested Pravara.. dear hubby .. please slow down.. I can't keep balance.. please I need a break... Literally she pleaded with folding hands..

Pravara:I love you,i want you, I need you.. without sex I can't sleep... I'm feeling lonely

Amira:I know dear.. I'm just asking to give me few days of break..

Pravara: all of a sudden My testosterone levels are high .. You're my wife.. who else gonna take care...help me through..

Amira: I'll help you with blowjobs if you say..

Pravara: no I just need pussy.. if you can't take it.. provide me ...

Amira: what...! What are you talking about... We're married for this day..

Pravara: I know darling... I can't help myself, you can't too.. but I need to cool down .. for real...

Amira: control Prav.. control... Marriage is not just about sex.. and over that you were in subdued mode for past months.. your sudden mood is hurting me..

Pravara: I need it and I mean it... I just need meat.. .. you take Care of it.. if you can't take it.. arrange it...

Amira: do you feel I'm some pimp or something. Grow up..!

Pravara: my tool is growing up.. if you notice. babes do you think this is 5000BCE.. now a days everything is available.. you just have to say it... If you too need something just say.. boss, colleague, bulls...there's nothing to hesitate and I've no objection; afterall we're living in a tier one city.. marriages aren't closed anymore... Everything is open.. all relationships !

Amira went in turmoil after listening such things from Pravara.. all the years she'd been a homely girl, conservative and introvert type.. and suddenly her qualities are being challenged by her dear hubby...! In demand of flesh..!

Pravara started again.. see babe.. humans are not made to just focus at one thing.. they need to experiment all , live all fantasies, break the rules, taste the taboos... He was speaking the language that he learnt reading from secret confessions..

You also know our IT sector doesn't hold any good reputation to other societies.. people think here every Saturday night IT boys keep their car keys in a container for lottery and let their wives/ girlfriends pulls those keys randomly... agreed to the terms and conditions like one night stand and trophy wife.... And she belongs to the person/owner of the car key she's holding .. to spice up the night....! even partner swapping is too common nowadays.. all happening with their consent..

Amira : I'm starting to get a headache..

Pravara: placing his hand on her forehead; darling, all your headache will vanish if we allow this open marriage in our life... It's such a passionate thing actually we're missing while everyone is enjoying.. we're such backdated.. what's say girl... Don't you desire and don't you deserve..? Some more...

She was shocked at Pravara's desires and intentions..

This continued for a fortnight... Pravara would pump Amira brutally and then brainwash her talking all about kinks, taboos, pussy for promotion, sleeping with boss , cuckolding cuckqueaning etc..
The same routine everyday.. Amira was physically exhausted, tired as fuck.. was caught viral fever too.. .on 15th day She herself begged to pravara .. dear hubby if you want .. go fuck somebody.. i won't mind.. I just need to rest... Please..! And slept in a position facing away from her hubby.

Pravara concealed his smirk.. all the hard work finally paid off.. in a cheeky way he insisted.. darling do you have anyone in your mind ?

Amira:( rolled over) do you think I've time for all these.. there are other girls in my group .. they don't do much work.. they just visit boss's office often, some even during lunch break... I don't understand I work extra hours still boss isn't happy with me.. he wants me to work 24×7 or what...?

Pravara: my my innocent wife... They make boss happy in exchange of you know.. what boss need.. I know you're not that kind.. that's why all the hardwork..

Amira: do they...? Really...!!

Pravara: yes my darling.. (pulled her towards him)(making his arm tighter around her) even I know.. what happens in your office.. you have a new girl in your group "Naima" right..!

Amira: how do you know ...?

Pravara: see we're IT guys.. we should be prompt.. you too. Tell me about her.. does she often visit your boss's office...

Amira: she's bit different.. i don't understand her.. she obeys instructions.. modern yet classic.. but spends a lot of time gazing into her ipad.. doing facetime or something... She must have a lucky boyfriend... Don't you agree..

Pravara hid his connection: she lives in our neighborhood, moved last month.. don't you know..!

Amira: what..how come I never saw her..?

Pravara: you're never a good observant of surroundings and too keen to focus on your work , overly absorbed babe..

Amira recalled.. oh I remember, the day before yesterday, when I went to the tailor to alter my kurti.. she's on her way back.. thought she must be living around but in our apartment..! i didn't feel like talking as I was preoccupied by many things and she's a junior...

Pravara: see..

I want you to talk to her, invite her to our flat, you need to be more social babe.. don't forget to come up the air..

Amira: I'm tired for the day.. let's sleep dear..

Pravara: that's the reason I want you to invite her, invest in her and make ready for me...

Amira: are you out of your mind...! She's my junior.. like a sister to me...

Pravara: well then I need your sister's pussy if not yours...

Amira:oh god ...! Prav

Pravara: yeah right..but I want to hear these words from her mouth .. while you watching us .

Amira was loosing it... 1st she gave permission to her hubby.. now this demand is too unjust for her .. let me sleep ..

Pravara: without a fuck...?

Amira recalled how sore and swollen her pussy has become in these days... Please Prav. I'll bring whatever you want.. just forgive me tonight...

Pravara: promise..!

Amira: yes I do promise.. ! Now please... let me sleep...

Pravara finally was happy that he's going to taste the forbidden fruit infront of his wife ..

World is busy doing cuckolding; I'm gonna rewrite the history.. I'll make her cuckqueaning !

World is busy making hotwives; I'll set the sail for men... I'll make the name hothusband.! Trending!

World is busy making MFM threesome... I may involve my senior wife to make a FMF threesome..!

Let World be busy making cupcakes... I'll bring cuckcakes to our bed... Yes ..!!

Pravara was in joy , he wanted to make this happen as soon as possible.. tricked his wife to this unnatural relationship.. Amira had no other way than to agree with him.. she slept on that.. never wanted to share her hubby with someone else but situation was such demanding that she couldn't agree more..

Amira begun to be friendly with Naima in office, started visited her flat for casual talks. Made her aware of current trends .. how people losing relationship chores.. Tried to attract and convince her to be more modern; Naima agrees to the most as Amira was senior and quarterly performance scores dependent on her..
Some weekends both would go shopping someday do close talk while sipping beer; went pub together, shared food often , Amira made her more open in those weeks.. she showed willingness to tell what she feels or thinks. even now one waits for another as they go to work. Their bond grew stronger..With every shared laugh and conversation..

Pravara could feel the growing trust between them.. he'd talk to her as before, sometimes sends gifts even though she said no...he convinced Naima that his wife doesn't know.. Naima got benefitted by both , one is friendly and other taking care of her expenditure.. little she knew what she has to offer..

Rumjaan was around and that's the perfect time to get together.. pravara was too excited that his wife gonna invite his Only Fans lover to their home and the unexpected would happen soon.. Pravara set the bedroom with a single sofa.. some new fluffy carpets, new curtains, a sex sofa, erotic pinups and some sex toys...

There was ample time at the corner to unwind and discover their wild side on the occasion, as it was public holiday ,the nextday was Sunday... The best time to hook up and fuck up things.. so Amira did the invitation..

She went to her flat in the morning...

Naima: hi mam.. aadav...

Amira: aadav... hey girl . All alone. Hugged her. I'm so happy we got two days off...

Naima: mom had planned to visit on this occasion but later she got busy at home..

Amira: while I'm living a step away you're not spending this festivity alone... come dine with us...

Naima: mam.. I have to arrange stuffs..

Amira: leave those.. I'll help you tomorrow.. you're like a sister to me..

Naima: that's so kind of you.. mam.. but..

Amira: I'm not here to listen any nut or but... you know how project works... You're needed at home.. by evening..maid is on leave so I'll prepare everything.. you just come..you gotta taste my cooking ..it'll be fun..

Naima tried ways to avoid direct meeting with Pravara but she knew it'll be beneficial for career as mam was her senior.. she's working under her... Naima was milking pravara from afar.. via videos.. but it's the mam that she can't deny...

Amira: you're much of a thinker girl..

Naima: ok mam.. I'll come..

Amira: yeah... That's my girl...

Amira came back and spread the good news to her hubby... You happy now.. you blackmailer

Pravara hugged his wife and planted a kiss on her lips... He was on cloud 9..

Pravara was ready ,
for the new bride.
His wife gonna watch,
The fishy wishy catch.
Men should never stop; For a new episode.
Amira did a noble job,
Now it's time to make Naima's pussy broad..

Pravara decorated the whole house while Amira prepared all the delicious food in the world.
For the evening Naima chose fitted maroon blouse with a dark green full volume skirt.. light makeup, tied her hair, a designer watch gifted by her secret lover.. she looked gorgeous.. Amira welcomed her to their little universe .. let her sit on the side of dine table as her hubby had instructed.. Pravara joined later wearing a short kurta and trouser, Amira wore a purple gown.. for the candle light dinner .

Amira wasn't very fond of the whole plan as well as hesitant to watch his hubby slay another girl. but it was too late now... At dine table Pravara was sitting opposite to Naima and Amira beside her.. The red candles and the dim lighting of the dining hall were setting the mood on a completely different course.". Naima while biting one end of a nachos said.. it's my first time having dinner with neighbours ..!

Pravara: it's our pleasure ..there's many things we do for the first time..

Naima was all praise for Amira.. the magic she brought to table .. pravara gave a nod.. my wife is a sweetheart and so are you Naima..
She suppressed the blush that crept up her face..
Amira could sense it was coming.. the flirting before the filth ..!

After food Amira poured wine for all.
Pravara hinted.. Amira urged to play truth and dare.. all agreed .. she spun an empty glass.. it stopped on her... She chose truth

Naima asked mam who proposed first..?

Amira: of course it was him.. he was trembling when he proposed.. I was in senior years..

Naima giggled .

Another spun.. landed on Naima.. she too chose truth.

Enough truths..! Isn't anyone willing to take a dare? Pravara intrigued

Pravara: when are you planning to get married?

Naima: I've not decided yet..

Pravara: what.. you wanna die a virgin?

Naima: marriage and virginity are two different things..

Amira: umhm... Hmm.. hot topic hmmm! More wine for that... He we go ..

Amira twirled the glass .. this time halted at pravara... Ok I choose dare ..

Wine was bit strong.. it's already giving kicks
Naima dared him to kiss mam.

Pravara was waiting for this.. he pulled Amira by her neck and started smooching passionately.. it went for more than a minute.. Naima felt the temptation, she never expected pravara would kiss in front of her..

Amira felt awkward.. now Pravara spun.. again Naima's turn... Truth..

Pravara: you a virgin ? If not ;who's that lucky guy..?

Amira poured more into their glasses sensing the heat of this steamy game.

Pravara: so are you a shy person Naima!! You chose truth..come on..

Naima(: while sipping wine' )impress me with your best pickup line then I might think..

Pravara: Oooo..

Amira: come on hubby... Impress my young sister..

Pravara: well keep your feet on my lap..

Naima: what's the relation with feet...

Pravara: come on.. you'll know..

Amira: come on junior... Obey... Said playfully.

Naima timidly placed her feet on pravara's lap... He started slow caressing her feet and quoted while looking into her eyes...

" If I could give your feet a new home.. they would be living on my shoulder .."

Amira Did Slow clapping.. uuuuhhuuu... keep trying..

Naima: this time she couldn't hide her blush.. hid her face in shame.... hhmmmm...not bad not bad... Probably the best i ever heard...

Pravara still busy caressing her feet.. now tell us.. how did you lose it..

Naima: it's in my 9th standard

Amira: hmm.. hmm.. you're much advanced girl.. you never told me...

Naima: no mam.. it was impromptu.. I was not ready for that...

Amira: tell us who was that lucky guy that took my sister's cherry

Naima: lucky my foot.. a half aged ugly guy my parents set for my coaching..

Pravara: today I think your feet gonaa feel lucky ( while caressing )

Naima got self- conscious , tried to retract her feet from his lap.. but Pravara pulled his chair close towards the table and placed her feet on his semi erected dick over the pant....
Naima could feel pravara's hands reaching her thighs under the table... She regretted wearing the skirt.. she didn't know how to react, if she does.. job, money would be at stake..

Ok...
One day while my parents went for a relative's marriage.. he came..though father told my tution teacher we won't be home, take a day off.. but his intentions were bad you know....I tried to see him off at the gate but he's lurking for my thick curves and the mishap happened. It was quick and nasty. I never told anyone as he threatened me and gave some pills the very next day.. eventually soon my dad got transferred to a new place and that nightmare stopped ... She sobbed..

Amira: come here my sister... And embraced her .. we never heard those... Sorry we forced you to share.. your story..

Pravara: nothing to fear.. now you're all grown up.. he too felt sorry caressing her feet.. have you ever thought of punishing that ugly fuck..

Naima: no I haven't... I was afraid all the time.

Pravara: we should not let him go unpunished.. my father was a crime branch officer, retired but he got contacts... Just tell me when you feel so..

Amira: oho.. you reserved all these talk for this eve.. don't drag my sister to the past.. let's enjoy what we can, what we've... Right Nimi..!

Naima : yes mam.. thankyou..

Amira: you can call me didi..

Naima: I never had a boyfriend, I was in constant fear.. I want to feel loved.. want to be fearless, want to experience what a good boyfriend offer and tears rolled down her eyes.. (still in the arm of Amira )

Pravara: for that you've to choose dare..and he positioned the glass face towards Naima.. say it girl.

Naima: in a low voice ...dare..

Pravara didn't want to spoil the evening, he got up from the chair and came over... hugged Naima and his wife together... let us love you girl... I want you to lose all your fears tonight.. .time to go to our bunk.. your gift is waiting there... The dare to conquer your fears..they got up.. Amira held Naima's arm and led to the bedroom behind pravara.. as if she escorting a new bride..

Amira made her sit in the middle of the bed and herself sat on sofa near the door.. Naima looked around, felt shy seeing toys and pinups.. she had little knowledge about sex sofa...Pravara handed a gift box to her.. as she unwraps pravara started unbuttoning his kurta ; took it off over his head.. she couldn't believe her eyes.. is it ?.. really..! Her heart jumped out of joy .. it was a key.. key of brand new yamaha aerox.. also it was the key to loose all her clothes ..

Amira: you need some water.. sis?

Naima: no... Just one peg more..

Pravara let go his trousers too.. Naima was sitting aiming her eyes to the floor...

Amira while raising the glass to her... whispered in her ear...belive me... just go with the flow and you'll forget your disturbed past tonight...

Naima raised her head ,gulped down the drink in one go., handed over the glass to Amira.. and saw the thick head of Pravara's dick inching closer to her face..

Amira: make a big O my sister
Naima covered her face.. in shyness

Amira: need one more..?

Naima: no .. and pulled herself together,
Naima let all her modesty fall beside the dim lighting of the room, looked straight into the eyes of Pravara and opened her lips... Pravara's dick was touching her lips... She opened more to adjust pravara's manhood as it was thick and long..

Amira: no hurry.. just the tip and your tongue sister..

She obeyed. Started circling her tongue.. pravara's tip was glazing with her saliva.. he got aroused... Take it... Naima...

Pravara pushed , it's only half into her mouth and already touching her throat... Naima tried to back off... but Pravara held her still by the back of her head.. unclamped her clutcher and let her hair free fall... Naima's muffled voice couldn't escape .. he grabbed her silky hair and gave her head a slow rocking motion...

Pravara stopped fucking her face in between and ran his hands over her fitted blouse.. giving mild pressure at boosoms.. he unhooked the blouse from the back and removed over her head... Threw it towards his wife... Amira could see erect nipples of Naima through the bra.. Pravara didn't waste any time.. he unhooked and freed her firm rounded boobs off the bra... They're perfect.. just too perfect.. pravara and Amira glared at her hidden beauty, shaped boobs, light brown aerolas were too hot to melt a box of wax.. Naima covered her face in shyness... Amira said you can't cover your flesh by putting your hands at wrong place.. my dear sister... Pravara could see a flattering blush through palm gaps... it's the time.... Pravara leaned down to kiss those bare assets...

His hand trailed down her side, fingertips featherlight until they settled low, just above the curve of her hip. She shivered. when he dipped closer, brushing his lips against her navel, she felt ripples on her belly—a flutter that started beneath her skin.

Amira sat on sofa , hubby's restless hands running all over Naima's bare body...halfway to the foreplay Amira felt the tension in the room, on the bed and more over her body.. she picked a dildo kept on sofa and started sucking much alike her newlfound sister.. Naima stared at Amira. Seeing didi's mutual actions she became less rigid. the exhibitionist in making.

Pravara pushed Naima onto the bed , lifted her skirt till waist. Within seconds removed her thong and threw it on his wife... Pulled Naima closer to the edge of bed.. himself kneeled down on the floor .. planted his face straight into her mound and started eating her pussy like he never licked a pussy before..

Amira felt jealous... She had forgotten when was the last time husband made love to her like this.. his new toy is beautiful and young.. his lips kissing her cunt .. intense yet slow.. such a scene to capture.. All he did with me is hump and dump...

Naima started biting her lips and let out soft moans.. in response to pravara's detailed tongue work...Amira witnessed Naima's thick naked thighs closing and opening in rhythm to Pravara's cunnilingus ... Amira couldn't bear the sight.. she let gown sleeves fall off her shoulder.. ran her hand over cleavage.. she could feel her nipples are getting hard.. With each soft moans uttered by Naima.

Pravara stood up.. his face was glazing with precum.. Naima's pussy fluids over his face.. he looked at his wife.. she was behaving like a seductress .. pravara felt proud of himself... he positioned his dick at the entrance of the forbidden cherry.. Naima's young wet pussy. One could easily read the lines of struggle on her face.. his tool was thick and big.. she knew it's gonna hurt.. oh god..!

Pravara pushed .. Naima let out a gasp while adjusting his fat dick at the entrance of her pussy. She gulped.. as she felt her throat going dry..pravara made one more thrust.. she bucked.. Pravara was in no mood to go soft... he pinned her thighs to his torso... lifted her legs over shoulder .. he shoved with more thrust this time and more than half of his dick slid into her vagina.. Naima eyes went wide, she let out a cry, tried to push away but Pravara held her still at her waist... He let his tool stay in that position for some time.. Naima was breathing heavily.. her firm tits were heaving up and down with her shorten breath..

Pravara did mild stokes.. Naima was loosing track of pain & begun to feel the pleasure.. he moved his hips more, kissed her neck as he fuck.. Naima lost balance and embraced Pravara...Amira could see two naked body rubbing but she felt her soul being crushed in between.. a new woman in their life snatching away her love... hubby squeezing her firm boobs hard, making her cry louder... What else could Amira do.. ! ? She needed to save her pussy from that animal .

Amira crossed her legs sitting on the couch.. tried to squeeze her labia between thighs as hubby entered Naima's tight pussy.. Naima was not much prepared for this kind of intense fucking session though she wasn't virgin.. her stomach hurts... She whimpered..Tried to push Pravara away but he was in constant rhythm...

Naima already had two orgasm, she looked at Pravara's body.. wide chest, strong arms with protruding veins, not chiseled but flat stomach a regular height dude but watta dick.. hung like a chimpanzee.. fucking her like a caveman..
Amira took the vibrator in hand , lifted her gown slowly and placed the toy over her clit . pressed the on button... A jolt of pleasure ran through her body..Naima and Pravara looked at her hearing the buzz.. a short smirk appeared on his face..

Pravara lifted Naima and took her to the sex sofa.. he lied down and let Naima sit on his lap. Naima moaned with pain and pleasure as Pravara humped her from below...Amira could see traces of sweat on Naima's forehead as her hubby changed position to reverse cowgirl. He increased his pace and started fucking her like a toy. Woman on top; naked , afraid and lost.. his dick was touching her womb.. Naima pleaded him to stop.

Pravara brought her to the bed.. made her lie facing down... Started licking her ass .. biting her butts... Digging his tounge deep by spreading her butt cheeks.. he positioned his manhood at Naima's virgin asshole... She whimpered in pain as he put pressure by his thick mushroom headed dick...ooouucchhh...! Not there.... Please .... Didi..

Amira reached onto the bed, hugged her hubby from behind and voiced over his shoulder.. not today dear.. she'd enough for tonight ..! She helped positioning his cock little below.. just there.. hubby.. Pravara shoved again. While Amira held her sister's hand...He started ramming her pussy from behind... Naima's pussy lips tightened around his cock..The intense fuck came to an end after Naima's third orgasm and pravara's 2nd ejaculation..

Naima was laying on bed, exhausted. She was sniffling quietly , quivering with muted whines Amira crouched beside Naima, kissed her back , parted her hair tenderly over the ear and said.. from now on, you're done with fear..

Pravara went out of the room.. Amira stayed there cuddling her naked sister.. she pulled over a sheet to cover her nudity .. Naima in a muffled voice .. Didi is it over.?. .? Yes, my sister.. you can rest now.. Deep down Amira came aware that the young queen fully satisfied the fuck machine. She herself couldn't control while watching ; I was never like this.. how come I started liking this...what is this behaviour.. am I a cuckqeaning whore. .!

This is just the beginning and she's going to witness many recapitulation ..


N.B. Men and women are like AI now.. just wish your keywords and the subject is ready.. Pravara, Amira and Naima were no different.. pervertness has subjugaed vassalage upon us.. there's no higher meaning by being a paramour but cultural decay.. In many instances wife deleting husband for no reason... Illicit affair is spreading like corona virus.. Treason is the new grace. .Prison is the new base.. flowers without the vase .. will we pass through.. if yes then for how long..? There's no restriction.. all the boundaries are open now.. play sharp, stay vigilant, be safe .. adaptability is the new change.. who knows your future wife might be busy saving someone else's opinion.. may god help this generation..
Story review: Cuckqueaning
Author: labia

A modern-day Kamasutra meets IT sector drama


Let me start by saying—what did I just read? And more importantly, why did I enjoy it so much?

This story is like a Bollywood erotic thriller directed by someone who binge-watched Fifty Shades, Gossip Girl, and Sacred Games back-to-back while drunk on cheap wine. It’s messy, it’s dramatic, it’s absurdly unrealistic, and yet… I couldn’t look away.

Pravara and Amira are the IT couple we all know—overworked, undersexed, and slowly realizing that marriage is just a glorified roommate agreement with tax benefits. Pravara, our hero, goes from loyal hubby to OnlyFans-obsessed horndog in the span of a few paragraphs. His descent into degeneracy is spectacular. One minute he’s crying about loneliness, the next he’s blackmailing his wife into letting him bang their neighbor. Character development? More like character degradation.

Then there’s Naima, the mysterious, masked OF girl who turns out to be the hot neighbor. Because of course she is. The universe really said, "Here’s a sexy stranger who also happens to work under your wife. Enjoy the chaos."

The sex scenes are… something else. Pravara goes from zero to "I WILL DESTROY THIS PUSSY" in 2.5 seconds. The man has the stamina of a porn star and the emotional depth of a teaspoon. Meanwhile, Amira, poor, exhausted Amira.. goes from "I need a break from sex" to "Fine, go fuck my junior, I’ll watch" in record time. Character arc or emotional whiplash? You decide.

And let’s not forget the elevator scene. Pravara trapping Naima inside like a budget Phantom of the Opera? Iconic. The man really said, "You WILL tell me your name or we’re riding this lift till the heat death of the universe."

The story tries really hard to be deep... dropping lines like "Marriages aren’t closed anymore" and "Treason is the new grace." Well, we came for the smut, not a philosophical debate on modern relationships.

But hey, points for effort. The author clearly wanted to say something about how social media and OnlyFans are ruining relationships, but then got distracted by writing a scene where Pravara cums so hard he forgets his own name. Relatable.

With all due respect to the author (known for her/his better stories), for me, the story makes no sense, but it is entertaining. It’s like watching a soap opera where everyone makes terrible decisions, but you can’t stop watching because... what the hell is going to happen next..!!
 

vakharia

Supreme
5,876
17,141
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एक रात, एक हत्या, और एक राज़


दिल्ली की सर्दी ने उस रात कुछ ज़्यादा ही तीखा रूप ले लिया था। हवा में नमी थी, और आसमान कुहासे से ढका हुआ। चाणक्यपुरी की आलीशान कोठी नंबर 17 में न्यू ईयर पार्टी अपने चरम पर थी। भीतर की रौनक बाहर से भी महसूस की जा सकती थी—झूमते संगीत की थाप, हँसी के स्वर, और काँच के गिलासों की टकराहट।

लेकिन उस चमक के पीछे एक स्याह परछाईं दबे पाँव भीतर घुस चुकी थी।

11:48 PM

भीतर, डांस फ्लोर पर दर्जनों लोग थिरक रहे थे। गोल्डन रंग की झिलमिलाती ड्रेस में अर्पिता मल्होत्रा सभी की नज़रों का केंद्र थी। उसकी मुस्कान में जैसे कोई रहस्य छुपा हो, आँखों में चमक के पीछे एक थकान।

वो धीरे से भीड़ से अलग हुई और पीछे के कॉरिडोर की ओर बढ़ी। कोई उसका पीछा कर रहा था। हल्के क़दमों से, छाया-सा।


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11:57 PM
"अर्पिता...?"
आवाज़ धीमी थी, लेकिन तल्ख़।

उसने पलटकर देखा। दरवाज़ा बंद हुआ।
कुछ पलों तक सन्नाटा। फिर—काँच के गिरने की आवाज़। और फिर कुछ नहीं।


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12:05 AM – नया साल शुरू हुआ, लेकिन किसी की साँसें थम चुकी थीं।

"कोई है यहाँ...? ओह गॉड!"
किसी महिला की चीख गूँजी।

डांस फ्लोर पर संगीत थम गया। मेहमानों की हँसी जम गई। और लोग भागकर उस ओर बढ़े जहाँ से आवाज़ आई थी।

कॉरिडोर के एक कोने में, बाथरूम के पास, अर्पिता की लाश पड़ी थी। उसका चेहरा पीला पड़ चुका था, होंठ नीले, और गले पर उंगलियों के गहरे निशान थे। पर्ल की माला उसके गले से टूटी हुई ज़मीन पर फैली थी, और एक लाल वाइन का गिलास पास में गिरा हुआ था।


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00:20 AM – पुलिस को बुलाया गया।

तकरीबन आधे घंटे बाद, इंस्पेक्टर ईशान वर्मा घटनास्थल पर पहुँचे।

ईशान – उम्र 36, ऊँचा कद, तीखा चेहरा, भूरी आँखें जो हमेशा सच की परतों को खुरचने को तैयार रहती थीं। उसकी चाल में थकान नहीं, बल्कि आदत थी—हर लाश में एक कहानी तलाशने की।

उसने मौके पर निगाह डाली, भीड़ को देखा और सीधे शव की ओर बढ़ गया।

"सभी लोग पीछे हटें। कोई कुछ नहीं छुएगा।"

वो अर्पिता के शव के पास घुटनों के बल बैठा। उसके चेहरे के पास अपना चेहरा लाकर उसने उसकी आँखों में कुछ ढूँढा।

डर? पछतावा? या कोई अधूरी बात...?


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"मृत्यु का समय?"
"लगभग 11:55 से 12:00 के बीच," एक कॉन्स्टेबल ने कहा।

ईशान ने गिलास को उठाकर सूँघा—वाइन। लेकिन कोई और महक उसमें घुली हुई थी। हल्की, मगर तेज़।

नींद की गोली? या कोई और ज़हर...?

"बॉडी को पोस्टमार्टम के लिए भेजो। और घर के सभी कैमरों की रिकॉर्डिंग मुझे चाहिए।"


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00:35 AM – पूछताछ शुरू हुई।

ईशान ने पार्टी के प्रमुख लोगों को एक कमरे में बैठाया। उनकी आँखों में अभी भी सदमे के साथ भय था—लेकिन कुछ चेहरों पर शांति भी।

सबसे पहले उसकी नज़र उस महिला पर गई जिसने शव देखा था।

रिया कौल – अर्पिता की बचपन की दोस्त। नीले रंग की साटन की ड्रेस में, आँखों में आँसू, पर आवाज़ में स्थिरता।

"आपने शव सबसे पहले देखा?"
"जी... मैं बाथरूम जा रही थी। देखा कि दरवाज़ा खुला है... और फिर—"

वो चुप हो गई।

"क्या आपको किसी पर शक है?"
"नहीं... शायद कोई मेहमान—"

"कोई बाहरी व्यक्ति?"

"हाँ... एक आदमी था। अर्पिता ने कहा था कि नया क्लाइंट है। पहली बार देखा था उसे।"


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ईशान ने उस अजनबी की तलाश शुरू की।

नाम: आरव सिंह।
दावा: आर्किटेक्ट है, अर्पिता से कुछ दिन पहले मिला था।

लेकिन जब ईशान ने उसके बैग की तलाशी ली, तो कुछ अजीब चीज़ें मिलीं—

एक छोटा कैमरा

अर्पिता के घर का नक्शा

और एक लिफ़ाफ़ा जिसमें नकद ₹50,000 थे।


"ये किसलिए?"
"मैं... मैं उसे एक प्रोजेक्ट पर काम देने वाला था। वो डाउन पेमेंट थी।"

"तो नकद क्यों?"
"उसकी माँ की तबीयत खराब थी... उसने खुद कहा था कि नकद चाहिए।"

ईशान की भौंहें सिकुड़ गईं।
बहुत साफ़ जवाब... शायद ज़रूरत से ज़्यादा साफ़।


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01:10 AM – कैमरा फुटेज आई।

ईशान ने घर के मुख्य हॉल, गैलरी और कॉरिडोर के कैमरे चेक किए। कुछ अजीब चीज़ें सामने आईं।

11:47 PM: अर्पिता मोबाइल पर बात करते हुए गैलरी की ओर जाती है।

11:49 PM: एक आदमी—शायद आरव—कुछ चुपके से पीछे-पीछे जाता है।

11:54 PM: वही आदमी वापस आता है, थोड़ा तेज़ क़दमों से।

लेकिन एक और बात... उसके पीछे एक और परछाईं...!

दूसरा व्यक्ति...?
उसका चेहरा नहीं दिखा, पर चाल जानी-पहचानी थी। कैमरे में बस एक सेकंड की झलक, फिर गायब।


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ईशान ने बारी-बारी से सभी को बुलाकर उनकी चाल देखी। और तभी...

रिया।
उसके हील्स की आवाज़... वही टक-टक... वही लय।

ईशान ने स्क्रीन पर टाइमस्टैम्प को देखा।
11:56 PM – जब अर्पिता मर चुकी थी। रिया ठीक उसी दिशा से लौट रही थी।

"रिया, तुमने कहा था तुमने शव सबसे पहले देखा?"

"हाँ... मैंने..."

"लेकिन तुम उस ओर पहले भी गई थीं, क्यों?"

रिया की आँखें फड़कने लगीं।
"मैं बस... अर्पिता से कुछ बात करनी थी।"

"किस बारे में?"

"वो मुझसे... मेरा डिज़ाइन चुरा रही थी। मैं बस... मैं—"

"तुम जानती हो ना, तुम्हारी आवाज़ भी कैमरे में रिकॉर्ड हुई है?"

रिया की साँसें तेज़ हो गईं। उसने एक पल को कुछ कहना चाहा, फिर सिर झुका लिया।

"मैंने नहीं मारा... मैं बस डर गई थी। मैंने उसे किसी से लड़ते देखा... एक आदमी था... मगर वो आरव नहीं था!"

"तो कौन था?"

रिया की नज़रें काँपने लगीं।
"उसका एक्स... विवेक।"


---
जैसे-जैसे रात गहराती गई, कोठी के भीतर का तापमान गिरता गया—ना सिर्फ़ मौसम की वजह से, बल्कि माहौल में घुलते डर और संशय के कारण भी।

इंस्पेक्टर ईशान वर्मा अब भी कमरे के मध्य खड़ा था। चारों ओर बैठी भीड़ अब मेहमान नहीं, संदिग्ध बन चुकी थी। उनके चेहरों पर थकान नहीं, तनाव था—और कुछ की निगाहें जैसे कुछ छुपाने का संघर्ष कर रही थीं।

रिया की स्वीकारोक्ति ने मामले को एक नई दिशा दे दी थी।

“तो तुमने विवेक को वहां देखा?”
ईशान की आवाज़ स्थिर थी, लेकिन उसकी आँखों में चिंगारी थी।

रिया ने धीमे से सिर हिलाया।
“मैंने सिर्फ़ उनकी परछाईं देखी थी... पर उनकी आवाज़ सुनी थी। वो कह रहे थे—‘तुमने मेरी ज़िंदगी बर्बाद कर दी।’”

ईशान ने मेज के दूसरी ओर बैठे विवेक मेहरा की ओर देखा।
सूट में ढका लंबा शरीर, बिखरे बाल, आँखें लाल—शराब या गुस्से से, तय करना मुश्किल था।

“विवेक,” ईशान ने उसकी ओर कदम बढ़ाए, “क्या तुम बता सकते हो कि 11:50 से 12:00 के बीच तुम कहाँ थे?”

विवेक ने होंठों को भींचा, एक पल सोचा, फिर कहा, “मैं टेरेस पर था। अकेला।”

“कोई गवाह?”

विवेक ने नज़रें चुरा लीं।
“नहीं।”

ईशान ने उसकी कलाई थामी—उसकी हथेली पर एक हल्की खरोंच थी।
“ये कब लगी?”

विवेक ने झूठ बोलने की कोशिश नहीं की।
“हमारी लड़ाई हुई थी। उसने मुझे थप्पड़ मारा... मैंने उसका हाथ पकड़ा... बस इतनी ही बात थी।”

“तुम जानते थे कि वो किसी नए आदमी को अपने क्लाइंट की तरह घर बुला रही है?”

विवेक की आँखों में नफ़रत की झलक तैर गई।
“हाँ। और ये जानकर मुझे गुस्सा आया। लेकिन मैंने उसे नहीं मारा... मैं बस उसे समझाने गया था।”

बहुत ‘सिर्फ समझाने’ वाले लोग इस शहर में हत्यारे बन जाते हैं, ईशान ने सोचा।


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02:05 AM – पोस्टमार्टम रिपोर्ट आई।

"गला दबाया गया। लेकिन मुख्य कारण दम घुटने से नहीं, बल्कि ज़हर था।"
डॉक्टर ने रिपोर्ट सौंपते हुए कहा।

"क्या?"
ईशान की आँखें सिकुड़ गईं।

"शरीर में ट्रायक्लोज़मिन की मात्रा पाई गई है। एक नर्व एजेंट... बहुत कम समय में प्रभाव करता है।"

ईशान ने तुरंत उस वाइन ग्लास की रिपोर्ट माँगी जिसमें से अर्पिता ने आख़िरी घूँट लिया था।

गिलास में भी वही ज़हर मिला।

अब कहानी पलट चुकी थी।
कोई उसे मारने आया था, लेकिन उससे पहले ज़हर उसके शरीर में जा चुका था।


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02:15 AM – किचन स्टाफ से पूछताछ

ईशान ने तुरंत किचन के कर्मचारियों को बुलवाया। उनमें एक नया चेहरा था—सुनील, जो कि पार्टी के लिए एक्स्ट्रा हेल्प के रूप में लाया गया था।

“तुमने वाइन में कुछ मिलाया था?”

सुनील हड़बड़ाया।
“नहीं साहब... मैंने तो बस ट्रे पकड़ी थी... ग्लास रिया मैडम ने मुझे थमाया था, और कहा था कि इसे सीधे अर्पिता मैडम को देना है।”

रिया...? फिर से...?

ईशान ने तुरंत रिया को बुलवाया।
“रिया, तुमने सुनील को वाइन देने को क्यों कहा?”

रिया का चेहरा पल भर को सफ़ेद पड़ गया।

“अर्पिता को सिरदर्द था। मैंने उसे वाइन में थोड़ा सा पेनकिलर डालकर दे दिया... बस इतनी सी बात थी।”

“पेनकिलर? या ट्रायक्लोज़मिन?”

रिया चुप। उसकी साँसें तेज़।

“रिया, क्या तुम जानती थी कि अर्पिता तुम्हारा डिज़ाइन चुराकर खुद के नाम से पेश करने वाली थी?”

रिया की आँखें छलक गईं।
“हाँ... और मुझे पता था कि वो मुझे कभी श्रेय नहीं देगी। लेकिन मैं उसे मारना नहीं चाहती थी... मैंने बस उसे थोड़ी नींद दिलाने की कोशिश की थी ताकि प्रेजेंटेशन अगले दिन मैं कर सकूँ।”

ईशान ने उसकी ओर झुककर फुसफुसाया—
“तो असली कातिल कौन है, रिया?”

रिया ने आँखें मूँद लीं।

“मुझे नहीं पता... लेकिन उस वक़्त कॉरिडोर में सिर्फ़ आरव गया था... और... शायद वो नकद पैसा रिश्वत नहीं, कुछ और था।”


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02:40 AM – ईशान ने आरव को फिर बुलवाया।

“तुमने कहा था कि पैसे अर्पिता को देने थे। लेकिन उसकी अकाउंट में आज दोपहर ही ₹1 लाख का ट्रांसफर हुआ है—तुम्हारे नाम से।”

आरव ने सिर उठाया।

"उसने मुझे ब्लैकमेल किया था। मेरे क्लाइंट्स की डिटेल्स उसके पास थीं... मुझे डर था कि वो सब लीक कर देगी।"

"तो तुमने उसे मार दिया?"

"नहीं! मैंने तो बस... उससे डील की थी। पैसे दिए।"

"क्या तुम्हें ट्रायक्लोज़मिन का नाम पता है?"

"नहीं।"

ईशान ने उसकी जैकेट की जेब से एक छोटी शीशी निकाली।
ट्रायक्लोज़मिन – प्रयोगशाला उपयोग हेतु

"ये क्या है?"

आरव का चेहरा पीला पड़ गया।

“ये... नहीं... मैं उसे सिर्फ़ डराना चाहता था... मुझे नहीं पता उसने पी भी लिया...”


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03:00 AM – केस बंद... या शायद नहीं।

ईशान ने आरव को गिरफ्तार कर लिया। पर उसका मन अब भी बेचैन था।

कुछ अधूरा है।

वो कॉरिडोर में लौटा। ज़मीन पर एक टूटा हुआ मोबाइल पड़ा था—अर्पिता का।

उसने स्क्रीन चालू की। एक अधूरी रिकॉर्डिंग चलने लगी।

रिकॉर्डिंग में आवाज़ थी:
“...तुम मुझे नहीं रोक सकते, विवेक। ये डिज़ाइन मेरा है, और मैं कल बोर्ड मीटिंग में इसे खुद पेश करूंगी... चाहे तुम्हें अच्छा लगे या नहीं।”

फिर एक तेज़ झड़प की आवाज़... और चुप्पी।

ईशान की आँखें सख्त हो गईं।

तो क्या आरव केवल एक मोहरा था? असली खेल अभी बाकी है...?


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सर्द हवाएं अब खुली खिड़कियों से भीतर घुसने लगी थीं, और कोठी के भीतर फैली निस्तब्धता में हर साँस, हर फुसफुसाहट जैसे गूँजती थी। इंस्पेक्टर ईशान वर्मा अपनी आदत के अनुसार अकेले उस कॉरिडोर में खड़ा था जहाँ अर्पिता की साँसें थमी थीं। दीवारों पर अब भी उसकी महक थी—लैवेंडर की वो हल्की-सी खुशबू, जो अब खून और शराब की गंध से उलझकर कुछ अजीब बन चुकी थी।

आरव को हिरासत में ले लिया गया था। उसका ज़हर रखना, पैसे देना, और अर्पिता से उसका झगड़ा—सब कुछ उसे दोषी बनाता था। और फिर भी, ईशान के मन में एक अजीब सी खटास थी।

कुछ तो छूट गया है... कुछ ऐसा जो सबकी नज़रों के सामने है, और फिर भी किसी ने नहीं देखा।

वो उसी कॉरिडोर में झुका, जहाँ पहली बार शव मिला था। उसके trained instincts ने हर दरार, हर सामान को ध्यान से देखा। तभी उसकी नज़र दीवार के कोने में पड़े एक छोटे से सफेद कागज़ पर गई। वो मुड़ा हुआ था, और शायद भीड़ की अफ़रा-तफ़री में किसी ने नोटिस नहीं किया था।

वो धीरे से कागज़ उठाता है। खोलता है।

हस्ताक्षर - अर्पिता मल्होत्रा
दिनांक - 31 दिसंबर
शीर्षक: “डिज़ाइन ओनरशिप ट्रांसफर एग्रीमेंट”

ईशान की साँस रुक गई।
ये तो... किसी डिज़ाइन का मालिकाना हक़ ट्रांसफर करने का कानूनी दस्तावेज़ है। लेकिन काफ़ी अधूरा है।

नीचे दो हस्ताक्षर की जगह थी—एक पर अर्पिता के हस्ताक्षर थे, दूसरा खाली।

तो क्या... हत्या से ठीक पहले अर्पिता ये हस्ताक्षर करवा रही थी? किसी से... लेकिन किससे?


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03:30 AM – रिया से आख़िरी सवाल

ईशान एक बार फिर रिया के पास गया। उसका चेहरा अब थका हुआ नहीं, बल्कि डर से जड़ हो गया था। आँखे फटी हुई, होंठ सूखे, और उंगलियाँ उसी अंगूठी को बार-बार घुमा रही थीं जो अब एक घबराहट का बायन बन चुकी थी।

"रिया, क्या तुम जानती हो कि अर्पिता ये डिज़ाइन ट्रांसफर करने वाली थी?"

रिया ने चौंककर उसकी ओर देखा।
"नहीं... उसने तो कहा था कि वो इसे मेरे नाम से कभी नहीं मानेंगी।"

"तो फिर ये दस्तावेज़ क्या कहता है?" ईशान ने वो कागज़ सामने रख दिया।

रिया की आँखों से जैसे सबकुछ गिर पड़ा।
"ये... ये तो मेरे नाम का ड्राफ्ट है... लेकिन मैंने उसे कुछ दिन पहले छोड़ने की धमकी दी थी। शायद... शायद उसने सच में बदलने का फैसला किया था।"

“क्या तुम्हें ये जानने के बाद गुस्सा आया?”

"नहीं... मुझे पछतावा हुआ... मैंने उसे सच में पसंद किया था। उसके जैसा हुनर मैंने कहीं नहीं देखा।"

"तो फिर, रिया, एक आखिरी सवाल... क्या तुम जानती हो कि 'ट्रायक्लोज़मिन' जैसी दवा कहाँ मिलती है?"

रिया ने सिर उठाया। उसकी आँखों में अब आँसू नहीं, आश्चर्य था।

"नहीं। मैंने आज पहली बार ये नाम सुना है।"

ईशान ने उसकी ओर देखे बिना सिर्फ़ इतना कहा—
"तुम डॉक्टर की बेटी हो ना?"

उसके चेहरे पर सन्नाटा उतर आया।


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03:50 AM – नया मोड़

ईशान को एहसास हुआ कि सबका ध्यान आरव, रिया और विवेक पर रहा... लेकिन एक नाम उस शाम से जुड़ा था, जो अब तक परदे के पीछे था—

नताशा मल्होत्रा – अर्पिता की सौतेली बहन।

पार्टी की शुरुआत में वो कुछ देर के लिए आई थी। सफेद गाउन में, लंबे भूरे बाल, और आँखों में एक तरह की दूर-दृष्टि। फिर अचानक गायब हो गई।

“वो कहाँ गई?” ईशान ने पार्टी के आयोजकों से पूछा।

“कह रहे थे तबियत ठीक नहीं थी... तो जल्दी निकल गई।”

ईशान ने तुरंत उसका पता निकलवाया।
गोल्फ़ लिंक – एक बेहद आलीशान फ़्लैट।


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04:20 AM – नताशा के फ्लैट पर

नताशा दरवाज़ा खोलते ही चौंक गई।

“इंस्पेक्टर...? इतनी रात को?”

“हमें कुछ बातें करनी हैं, मिस नताशा। क्या मैं अंदर आ सकता हूँ?”

नताशा ने थोड़ी देर तक उसे देखा, फिर दरवाज़ा खोल दिया। अंदर बेहद शांत वातावरण था—दीवारों पर क्लासिकल आर्ट, हल्की लाइटिंग, और मेज़ पर एक खुली फाइल।

ईशान ने फाइल उठाई। वही डिज़ाइन।

“आप अर्पिता की बहन हैं, है ना? और ये डिज़ाइन... आप इसे क्यों देख रही थीं?”

नताशा कुछ देर चुप रही।

“क्योंकि वो मेरा डिज़ाइन था।”

ईशान एक पल के लिए रुका।

“आपका मतलब?”

“हम दोनों ने मिलकर शुरुआत की थी। लेकिन जब कंपनी खड़ी हुई, उसने मुझे बाहर निकाल दिया। मेरी मम्मी की मौत के बाद पापा ने उससे सब छीन लिया और मेरे नाम से कुछ नहीं रहा। मैंने सब छोड़ दिया था, लेकिन जब पता चला कि वो वही डिज़ाइन फिर इस्तेमाल कर रही है... मैंने आरव से संपर्क किया। उसने कहा कि वो मेरी मदद करेगा। लेकिन...”

उसकी आवाज़ काँप गई।

“आपने ज़हर दिया?”

नताशा ने नज़रें झुका लीं।
“मैंने सिर्फ़ एक ड्रॉप मिलाया था। मैं चाहती थी कि वो बस बीमार हो जाए, कल की मीटिंग में न जा पाए। मैं फिर उसके सामने आकर सब एक्सपोज़ करती... लेकिन...”

“वो मर गई,” ईशान ने वाक्य पूरा किया।

नताशा की आँखें छलक आईं।


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05:00 AM – निष्कर्ष

ईशान ने आखिरकार पूरी कड़ी जोड़ दी थी।

नताशा ने ज़हर मिलाया था—मकसद हत्या नहीं, बल्कि बदला और शर्मिंदा करना था।

आरव ने उसे ब्लैकमेल के डर से पैसे दिए और झगड़ा किया।

विवेक वहाँ पहुँचा, लेकिन देर हो चुकी थी।

रिया ने नशे में वाइन दी, ये जाने बिना कि उसमें क्या था।


मौत एक गलती नहीं थी। वो नतीजा था—हर इंसान की एक अधूरी कहानी का, जो एक ही मोड़ पर टकरा गई थी।


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05:15 AM – कोठी के बाहर

ईशान अपनी बाइक के पास पहुँचा। आकाश अब हल्का नीला हो रहा था। पहली सुबह की किरणें कोहरे से जूझ रही थीं।

उसने एक गहरी साँस ली, और धीरे-से बुदबुदाया—

"कभी-कभी... इंसान किसी को मारता नहीं। बस, उसे मरने के लिए छोड़ देता है।"

कहानी समीक्षा: एक रात, एक हत्या, और एक राज़
लेखक महोदय: Daredevil420


EREHER-DD420

अगर कोई कहानी अपराध और रहस्य के संसार में पाठक को पूरी तरह डुबो दे और फिर अंत तक यह विश्वास न होने दे कि वह जो पढ़ रहा है वह कल्पना है, तो यह उस लेखक की कलम की ताक़त का प्रमाण है। Daredevil420 की यह रचना ठीक वैसी ही है... एक ऐसा मानसिक प्रयोग जिसमें हर पात्र, हर दृश्य और हर संवाद ज्यों-ज्यों सामने आता है, कहानी की तहें और गहराती जाती हैं।

कथा की सबसे बड़ी ताक़त, उसकी बुनावट है। कहानी में क्रमानुसार घड़ी की टिक-टिक के साथ समय का ब्योरा दिया गया है, जो दृश्य को सिनेमाई बना देता है और पाठक को घटनास्थल पर मौजूद होने का एहसास भी कराता है। इंस्पेक्टर ईशान वर्मा एक ऐसा पात्र है जो सत्य की परतों को धैर्य और सूझबूझ से खोलता है।

कुहासे से ढका चाणक्यपुरी, ठंडी हवा, लाल वाइन, टूटे हुए मोती, गीले काँच की खामोशी.. यह सारे द्रश्य, पाठक की इंद्रियों को सक्रिय कर देते है। पात्रों की मानसिक स्थिति, जैसे रिया की बेचैनी, आरव की सफाई, और नताशा की दबी हुई पीड़ा को लेखक ने नाटकीयता के बजाय सूक्ष्मता से प्रस्तुत किया है।

हर पात्र सिर्फ संदिग्ध नहीं, बल्कि अपनी-अपनी त्रासदी का वाहक है। न कहीं अनावश्यक नाटकीयता, न ही अति-शैलीकरण.. संवादों में स्वाभाविक प्रवाह है। कहानी बार-बार मोड़ लेती है, पर कहीं भी भटकती नहीं।

अंतिम मोड़ों में पात्रों की स्वीकारोक्ति थोड़ी जल्दबाज़ लगती है, विशेष रूप से नताशा का ज़हर मिलाने वाला हिस्सा। वहाँ थोड़ा और मनोवैज्ञानिक जटिलता दिखाई जा सकती थी। आरव जैसे पात्र का चरित्र-विकास थोड़ा अधूरा रह गया। वह कहानी में बहुत कुछ करता है, लेकिन उसका भीतरी संघर्ष थोड़ा अस्पष्ट रहता है।

अंतिम निष्कर्ष:
"एक रात, एक हत्या, और एक राज़" एक संवेदनशील और मनोवैज्ञानिक विमर्श है... जिसमें हत्या एक बहाना है, असल में हम उस समाज और रिश्तों की दरारों को पढ़ रहे होते हैं जिन्हें हम हर दिन जीते हैं।
 

Aakash.

sᴡᴇᴇᴛ ᴀs ғᴜᴄᴋ
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"Sita Phir Agni Mein" by vakharia

Positive Points:

▪︎ Theme aur Concept: Kahani ka concept shandaar hai jo Ramayana ke eternal themes ko modern duniya ke saath jodta hai. Sita ko ek nayi roop mein dikhana ek mazboot, sachchai ke liye ladne wali aurat bahut impactful hai. Yeh ek purani katha ko naye perspective se dikhata hai.

▪︎ Symbolism aur Imagery: Kahani mein symbols (jaise agni, Lanka, mrig) aur vivid descriptions ka istemal kamaal ka hai. Yeh padhne wale ke dimaag mein tasveerein banata hai aur bhaavnaon ko jodta hai.

▪︎ Characters: Siya, Arav aur Marut jaise characters well developed hain. Siya ki journey inspiring hai aur Marut ka modern Hanuman wala roop creative hai har character ka apna ek distinct voice hai.

▪︎ Parallel Storytelling: Treta yug aur Kalyug ke beech parallel chalna kahani ko aur gehra karta hai. Dono timelines ke beech transitions smooth hain aur ek doosre ko complement karte hain.

▪︎ Language aur Emotion: Bhasha poetic aur emotive hai jo readers ke dil tak jati hai. Dialogues meaningful hain khaas taur se Siya ke aakhri dialogues jo uski inner strength dikhate hain.

Negative Points:

▪︎ Pace aur Length: Kahani kuch jagah thodi slow ho jati hai khaas taur se Kalyug ke technical details mein (jaise Marut ke hacking scenes). Thodi editing se yeh aur crisp ho sakta tha.

▪︎ Clarity in Symbolism: Kuch symbols aur metaphors (jaise aakhri scene mein lifafa) thoda ambiguous hain jo reader ko confuse kar sakta hai inka thoda aur explanation ya closure acha hota.

▪︎ Wartani aur Grammar: Kuch jagah chhoti-moti galtiyan hain yeh minor hain lekin flow ko disturb karti hain.

▪︎ Modern Context: Kalyug ka plot bahut relatable hai lekin kuch plot points (jaise police raid aur Ranveer ki sudden death) thoda rushed aur filmy lagte hain jo realism ko kam karte hain.

Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai Kya Bura Hai:

▪︎ Accha: Ek achi kahani mein strong characters, relatable emotions aur ek meaningful message hona chahiye aur is kahani mein yeh sab hai, Siya ka struggle aur empowerment ek universal message deta hai. Vivid imagery aur creative parallels bhi kahani ko memorable banate hain.

▪︎ Bura: Overly complex ya ambiguous endings readers ko dissatisfied kar sakte hain. Kahani ka aakhri twist (lifafa wala) thoda unresolved chhod deta hai jo kuch readers ke liye frustrating ho sakta hai saath hi technical details mein jaana kabhi-kabhi main plot se dhyan hata deta hain.

Wartani aur Rhythm:

▪︎ Wartani: Bhasha mein ek poetic flow hai jo Ramayana ke epic tone ko match karta hai lekin kuch jagah minor spelling mistakes hain.

▪︎ Rhythm: Kahani ka rhythm overall smooth hai khaas taur se Treta aur Kalyug ke transitions lekin kuch scenes (jaise Marut ke hacking wale) thoda dragged feel hote hain jo pace ko thodi der ke liye break karta hai.

Overall:

"Sita Phir Agni Mein" ek powerful aur thought provoking kahani hai jo purani mythology ko modern struggles ke saath jodti hai. Sita ke character ko naye roop mein dikhata hai aur ek strong feminist message deta hai. Thodi si editing aur clarity isse aur behtar bana sakta hai.
 

Daredevil420

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कहानी समीक्षा: एक रात, एक हत्या, और एक राज़
लेखक महोदय: Daredevil420


EREHER-DD420

अगर कोई कहानी अपराध और रहस्य के संसार में पाठक को पूरी तरह डुबो दे और फिर अंत तक यह विश्वास न होने दे कि वह जो पढ़ रहा है वह कल्पना है, तो यह उस लेखक की कलम की ताक़त का प्रमाण है। Daredevil420 की यह रचना ठीक वैसी ही है... एक ऐसा मानसिक प्रयोग जिसमें हर पात्र, हर दृश्य और हर संवाद ज्यों-ज्यों सामने आता है, कहानी की तहें और गहराती जाती हैं।

कथा की सबसे बड़ी ताक़त, उसकी बुनावट है। कहानी में क्रमानुसार घड़ी की टिक-टिक के साथ समय का ब्योरा दिया गया है, जो दृश्य को सिनेमाई बना देता है और पाठक को घटनास्थल पर मौजूद होने का एहसास भी कराता है। इंस्पेक्टर ईशान वर्मा एक ऐसा पात्र है जो सत्य की परतों को धैर्य और सूझबूझ से खोलता है।

कुहासे से ढका चाणक्यपुरी, ठंडी हवा, लाल वाइन, टूटे हुए मोती, गीले काँच की खामोशी.. यह सारे द्रश्य, पाठक की इंद्रियों को सक्रिय कर देते है। पात्रों की मानसिक स्थिति, जैसे रिया की बेचैनी, आरव की सफाई, और नताशा की दबी हुई पीड़ा को लेखक ने नाटकीयता के बजाय सूक्ष्मता से प्रस्तुत किया है।

हर पात्र सिर्फ संदिग्ध नहीं, बल्कि अपनी-अपनी त्रासदी का वाहक है। न कहीं अनावश्यक नाटकीयता, न ही अति-शैलीकरण.. संवादों में स्वाभाविक प्रवाह है। कहानी बार-बार मोड़ लेती है, पर कहीं भी भटकती नहीं।

अंतिम मोड़ों में पात्रों की स्वीकारोक्ति थोड़ी जल्दबाज़ लगती है, विशेष रूप से नताशा का ज़हर मिलाने वाला हिस्सा। वहाँ थोड़ा और मनोवैज्ञानिक जटिलता दिखाई जा सकती थी। आरव जैसे पात्र का चरित्र-विकास थोड़ा अधूरा रह गया। वह कहानी में बहुत कुछ करता है, लेकिन उसका भीतरी संघर्ष थोड़ा अस्पष्ट रहता है।

अंतिम निष्कर्ष:
"एक रात, एक हत्या, और एक राज़" एक संवेदनशील और मनोवैज्ञानिक विमर्श है... जिसमें हत्या एक बहाना है, असल में हम उस समाज और रिश्तों की दरारों को पढ़ रहे होते हैं जिन्हें हम हर दिन जीते हैं।
Thanks bro agli baar dyan rakhunga
 
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